I Break My Own Heart Over and Over

I woke up at 3 am in a full on panic.  My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe.  I laid there in bed and started sobbing, full on cries to no one.  Safely enclosed within covers, hiding from the cold that seeps into my place, hiding  from everything, no one, and myself.

I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken.  Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep.  A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net.  As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?"  I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?

It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not.  On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance.  He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes.  I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you?  Needless to say, I left in tears.   I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him.  The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up  of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?"  In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder,  I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?"  "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?"  He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me.  It has to be me.

What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that?  Is it to be a better person?  Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others?  Is that a worthy purpose?  One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day.  But, I'm not.  Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery.  It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through.  So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness.  Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there.  But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that.  I will never be that person again.  I become tough again.  Thoughts of  "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor.  Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.

You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there.  My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends.  Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months.  I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it.  I blame myself for every action of others.  If only I could have been kinder, could have been better,  if only I was worthy.   I break my own heart over and over.

I want to be brave.  I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore.  I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment.  Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on."  On every journey, there are lessons just for you.  If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist.  The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are?  Purpose. Ain't it grand?

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Time Shows You The Way

I had the opportunity to journey back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year. Last year, I spent turkey day in ST. Thomas, the year before in a different place than home of which I can't remember.

I got to reconnect with an old love of mine over Thanksgiving. Someone whom I dated 10 years ago and gradually, as those things sometimes go, lost touch with. It was amazing, catching glimpses of who we once were, the same yet different on so many levels. 10 years ago, I told him that I was going to see the world someday, that I had to leave him and my hometown to find who I am. He had to stay. While back in the only place I have ever truly called home, I got to see old friends and my baby sister, all grown up now. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in a familiar place. A place that I know like the back of my hand and with people that time has been incredibly kind to, their long ago imagined futures, blessed with a grace that only comes through the passing of the years.

Somehow, that trip has reignited my wanderlust. Perhaps it was talk of a future trip to Europe, perhaps talk of me journeying to Africa beforehand and meeting them there. Regardless, that old fire to explore is back, but with the hindsight that I have gained these past 2 years showing me the way into a future where I am grounded to something besides myself. I realize now that I have been so very tired. The thought of 3rd world countries, rickety buses, cold showers and crowded masses of humanity has only made me exhausted. Until now. When I left last year, it was all or nothing. It was supposed to be a multi-year journey, leading me to a future that I couldn't possibly imagine at the time, but that I eagerly sought. Like all of the best laid plans, life sometimes gets in the way and plans must be adjusted. I see now, that I thought by coming back to the states, my journey was over. I now realize that everything truly does happen for a reason, that my journey is far from over and that it really IS something that I couldn't have possibly imagine. It's tempered by knowledge, more knowledge than I ever thought possible about myself and my place in this world. And it's showered with grace, more grace and love than I ever thought possible.

I have been on my own for what has become the majority of my life. Sleeping mostly alone, doing whatever it takes to make a life for myself that is truly me, laughing at the people that tell me what I should do and instead choosing a life of my own making. For all the adventures I have undertaken, the lonely nights, the laughter with new friends, and the grounding of old friends always in my life, I have been missing a very important part. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors is "I too, craved adventure and even risk, and loneliness was its by-product."

I am blessed to be good at my job, to love what I do, and to be able to do it from anywhere. I am in love once again with my life and am ready and willing to change certain parts of it to truly have it all according to the terms that I choose. I am ready to not settle down, rather to jump head first into a life where I am actually grounded, yet allowed to fly away when I need to. After a years of floating, I can see landing and I like that.

*The quote above is by Carl Hoffman, whom wrote The Lunatic Express. Read it, you will love it.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

The Ghosts of Adventures Past

It's been nearly a year since I boarded a plane from Vietnam to Indonesia. Nearly a year since I had to change my entire life to accommodate an injury that still nags me with it's resistance to fully healing. I am haunted by the ghosts of who I was.

I had plans a year ago. The big plan was to do some surfing for charity in Indonesia and then travel to Fiji to volunteer at a surf camp, helping a local start a business to better his life and that of his family. Then, I became the girl making calls to my best friend, "Please please get me off this island." I became the girl that limped back and traveled around the U.S. in search of a place, any place that I could call mine. Bouncing from house to house and then from place to place in Vegas and never feeling like I was home. I re-started my PR work, founded a new business, and am working on another one. I moved to a tiny town in the mountains, settling for the first time in years, as much as I can settle. And yet I am haunted.

It seems that who I believe myself to be needs to catch up with who I am now. It comes gradually, a shift in the labels I put on myself. I know those labels, know them well. And sometimes with labels, the sticky backing sticks a little longer than it's supposed to. Peeling off gradually through many washings of the mind. I never thought I would be back here. In that place between the past and a future I can't define. Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. Perhaps it's OK to look at myself, look at all I've done, and say to myself "It's going to be OK. You don't need to have changed all that much through your adventures, you don't need to define who you will become by a past you miss so much."

As I look at the snow covered slopes of the town I call home now, I can't help but be excited for the coming season. It's been tough, moving to this town. I used to move so freely, starting over in new places, a whole world in front of me. Because of the friendly ghosts of my past, I thought this would be easier. Maybe it's not that I'm weaker, maybe it's that I am coming to realize that roots are not easy to put down and that I to be honest, I don't even know if I want them. To be anchored to one place has always been a sort of death to me and I've been trying to force it. After all, aren't anchors there to keep you safe and secure? Right now that sounds like a good thing.

And yet, as sure as I know the back of my hand, I know that I will leave again. I can't help but always leave and to be honest, I love the ghosts of my past that are defining the future for me, telling me that I am not this girl. Then again, perhaps I can become that girl. Perhaps I will always be searching for home, a place that I will come to and immediately feel like I belong. I may find that in a different city, in a different country, in the arms of one that I least expect. And I will continue to be open to all that is brought into my life. I will continue to follow my heart, even when it doesn't know what it wants.

I don't know what I want.

I am haunted by ghosts.



Lara

DO NOT follow your dreams

Hey all you people out there, who want to live freely. Let me tell you something, it's not fucking worth it. I can offer plenty of advice as someone that has lived, done a ton of things, moved around solo and adventured everyone. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

DO NOT follow your dreams, they will be crushed. DO NOT leave everyone one you know and a life that was fantastic to do something you had always dreamed of, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. DO NOT let anyone new get close to you, they will leave in the end. Trust me, I know. DO NOT wake up everyday and think that maybe tomorrow it will be better, if only you can reach some goal you have set. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.

What can you do? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you can put down roots, you can love those with you at this moment, your family and friends. You can stay in the same place as them, they will always be there when you are crushed by loneliness. You can live a life a quiet desperation; turns out its not so desperate it's just life and life with routine can be fantastic. Do live your life with no real aspirations about making the world better, about changing lives; honestly you probably will fail in the end and then you will hate yourself. You will live everyday with the knowledge that you could have saved just one person if you had only tried harder. No, it's much better to save yourself, to save maybe one person that loves you.

Trust me on all of this, I know.

Lara

Grief That Lives

I sit here now, after a sleepless night that I thought would never end. Gray skies covering the sun. I hate you night, I love you day. Except for today. As I watch the blue struggle through the cover, barely holding, surrounded by the captured rain that has not begun to fall, I grieve.

I grieve for those I have loved, that love encircling every part of me, my bones, my muscle. Living in the places I cannot see and ripped from me far too soon. I grieve for a lost childhood, battered and broken and barely able to crawl out of the darkness, a small child searching for a glimmer of light and love. I grieve for lost chances, for moments gone in a blink of an eye. I watch the wind blow through the leaves, weak sun light illuminating, caressing the colors into gold and I grieve the tiny parts of me, lost to that very wind, blown away and scattered.

I grieve for the truths that I know, interwoven like scar tissue. Stronger than regular tissue, hard and unmovable. This is who I am, this is who I have become and I will not forget the truths. And damn it you hurt. But my grief encompasses you. Gets lost in you. Lives in you.

And I do not know how to let go of the grief right now. It has a pulse, it breathes.

And yet,the light will break through tomorrow, after a night of darkness that I will hate. And once again, the grief will dissipate, always there, living in a place that will be ready when I need it. Because everyone once in a while, a great while, I need to sit with grief. Grief is strength, it is power. I need to let it course through me, I cannot live without it, light needs to be lost in the darkness sometimes. The light is lost right now. It will shine again.

The 9/11 Project-Compassion Around the World

I traveled extensively last year and found that no matter where I was or whom I was speaking to, the conversation invariably wrapped around to 9/11. I decided to interview those I was speaking with in an attempt to show the tremendous compassion we as humans have for one another. 9/11 is interwoven into the fabric of so many people's lives around the world. Over the next couple of weeks, leading up to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I will be posting stories from around the world.


We tend to forget the younger generation and how they were affected by 9/11/01. Impressionable minds watching what would seem, at first glance, to be a video game on TV. How did their innocent minds deal with the atrocities they were seeing on TV and hearing about from their parents? How did it compare to the reactions of older people? These are the questioned I asked and the answers I got renewed my faith in the younger generation. The overwhelming message is one of peace.

Name: Drew
Nationality: Australian
Age: 25
Profession: Concrete worker

I was in bed when the planes hit. In 2000, I was in New York and visited the Twin Towers. On the day 9/11, my parents woke me up at 2:30 am. They had me come downstairs to the TV room and I couldn’t believe what I was watching. It was like a bad movie. I thought it was a movie at first. It took 2-3 hours before it was even confirmed that it was a terrorist attack. I watched the whole time. I suppose it affected me quite a bit because I had just been there the year before. My parents kept me out of school for a few days. It was crazy, everything on TV revolved around that for the next couple of weeks. I was so sad. When you are watching TV and see people jump from buildings and pretty much committing suicide, it makes you think about your own life, your family and friends and makes you realize that they could be taken away from you at any point. It was definitely something that will only happen once; at least I hope this is the only time something like that ever happens.

Name: Roy
Nationality: Mentawai Islands, Indonesia
Age: 27
Profession: Professional Surfer

I watched it on the TV with my friends and family, I was still in school at the time and we stayed home for a couple of days watching it. Of course, I feel really sorry my friends. When I watched the plane it was like a movie. It was like a movie I was watching on TV. It was like when we had a Tsunami and people died. It reminded me of that and I am so sorry for the people in America. Remember, peace and love my friends, there are many many problems in the world and I mean, peace and love. Yes, peace and love is the answer.

Name: Masayero
Nationality: Japanese
Age: 26
Profession: Surf Shop Owner

I watched on BBC in my house the whole time with my family. I watched the planes crashing into the buildings. I couldn’t really believe it. There were buildings there and then they were gone. I thought it was an accident. I saw people jumping and falling on TV and I was so surprised and so sad. I cannot say anything but how sad I was to see that. I am very sad for the American people and very sorry.

Name: Emily
Nationality: American
Age: 22
Profession: Student


I was riding in the passenger side of my dad's car driving to school and we heard about the first plane hitting on the radio. My immediate thought was that it couldn’t have been real. It didn’t seem like this was an actual disaster, more of an accident. When I got to school, it was playing on all of the TVs in our classrooms, so we watched updates on the news all day. I couldn’t stop asking the questions to myself; How could someone have done such a horrible thing? Why is there so much hatred toward this country for these people to kill so many innocent people? My heart went out to all of the victims on the planes, as well as in NYC and I couldn't help but cry when thinking about what they must have been going through. I thought a lot about their families as well. Not only did if affect the country as a whole, but also made me reflect on the fact that maybe we're not all as safe as we think. I felt really scared. I didn’t exhibit much patriotism as I never have, but you can't help but feel a bit alone in the world when something like this happens. It makes you think about those you love and realize that you cant take them for granted because you never know what could happen. I remember thinking that family, friends, and relationships are really the only thing that matters. The love and closeness you feel with those around you far surpasses anything material that can be taken away in an instant. You can express your love to a person- you can't do that to a material object, so why wouldn't you try to verbalize your love to those that are close to you as often as possible. 9/11 always makes me think about a lot about the state of the world and wondering why some people have such great hatred in their hearts. It makes me sad to think of that.


Name: Daniel
Nationality: Czech
Age: 23
Profession: Student


I don´t recall exactly what I was doing before I found out, but I turned the tv on immediately - I think it was my father who called me pretty early (maybe even before the news about the second plane appeared). There was no news channel in the Czech Republic by that time, but the national tv stopped the regular program and kept airing breaking news for rest of the day. I didn´t have any convenient internet connection so the television was really my only source of information.

I think the two most significant emotions were terror and disbelief. It was so shocking to see the planes crashing into the WTC, but I was still convinced that there was no risk of collapse and that the only problem would be to deal with the fire. So when the first of the Twins fell to the ground it was a real blow. I don´t want this to sound over-sentimental but I remember tears coming to my eyes.

I kept a close look on the events that followed, especially the dramatic rescue works. There was a lot of discussions going on with my friend about terrorism and possible war (note: a war for the US would mean a war for the Czech Republic as well, the Czechs are part of NATO since 1999). The attack on democracy is being taken very seriously here, since the Communist era lasted till 1989 - and I perceived 9-11 as an attack on democracy.

I don´t think I really changed anything in my behavior after these events but one thing was still different - the way I thought about the terrorist threat. Until then, the possibility of such attack effecting directly you or people close to you seemed just so remote that I just considered it a problem of places like Middle East or locations with separatist tendencies, just not our problem. I know it´s selfish, but that´s the way it is. Since 2001, the idea of possible terrorist attacks is just present. It makes me scared for our future.


They are our future.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Heroes and Villians and Everything In Between

Heroes and Villains. Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships filled with heroes and each day we are launched into the world with the simple question: Are you going to be a hero, a villain, or both today?

In Greek Mythology, most of those we would term heroes were villains to others. It begs the question, which one are you? Is it possible to be a hero to a child and an absolute villain to your neighbor at the same time? And since every single one of us makes mistakes and has the capacity for greatness, perhaps right now, at this very moment, someone thinks you are a hero and someone else thinks you are an absolute villain.

If even the Gods of ancient mythology were flawed, and seriously, they were borderline crazy at times, then how can we mere mortals ever expect to be more than they were? The Gods were down right evil at times, their stories are rife with jealousy, anger, infidelity, arrogance, and deception. Throughout all of the stories, the bridge between the mortal man and the Gods has always been the hero. The hero is the ideal, but clearly we need to leave room for imperfections. And holy shit people, that means that YOU get to be imperfect, you get to be a villain and you get to be a hero!

Is a hero someone who's soul is chipped at daily while they toil for the betterment of humankind? Or is a hero the one that rushes into a burning building to save because it is there job? Are both heroes?

My personal heroes have always been those that shock me. The ones that stick by me, call me out on my shit, love me, and save me at the same time. See, a hero can be just that. I got over the notion of savior when I was a child. From somewhere, deep inside, past all the surface movements, I knew. I knew that there are no white nights like in the movies. And now? Now I find my white knights in the strangest forms and yes, they actually do exist and yes, they are heroes in the most unusual ways.

So, you in the closet teenage gay guy you are my hero even if you shoplift those really cool ass hugging jeans. You have the capacity for teaching people the meaning of forgiveness and being true to yourself. And hey guy that cheats on his wife and hides it but loves his children so much he would die for them, you are a hero. And teachers, the ones that hold the development of greatness in your hands but get in screaming matches with the grocery store clerk for no reason, yep you are heroes.

Here's the deal, Zeus turned himself into a swan in order to rape Leda. But, he also saved the earth at least 3 times. Now, I'm not saying it's OK to turn yourself into a swan and rape, but what I am saying is that even if you make massive mistakes, someone thinks you are a hero. Right at this moment, someone is thinking of you as a hero. And I can't think of anything more God-like than being a hero and still making mistakes.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Fuck You Thank You

Because it's time to tell it how it is in my head, because it's time to sing, dance, smile, laugh, love, and play again:

To the person that stole so much money out of my bank account-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To my car for breaking down in the middle of nowhere-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To my mother-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To the man who sold me a jacked laptop in Vietnam, which imploded this week-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To the guy who I bailed out of jail just because I am kind, who will never pay me back the money he owes me-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To my neighbor who is so cruel to animals & humans alike-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To all the guys that lie, hurt me & my friends, cheat, & don't show up-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To those that are bigots, racists, homophobic-Fuck you. I forgive you.

To the guy I talk to daily, who is my savior and my best friend-Thank you. I love you.

To the girl that has been with me on my journey and known me since we were 5-Thank you. You are my heart.

To the people that have so much compassion, they feel what I'm feeling-Thank you. You are my heroes.

To my sisters-Thank you. I love you.

To the one in Massachusetts, reaching out across the miles-You save me. I love you.

To the man who stopped to rescue me, while tears were drying on my cheeks & my car wouldn't go-Thank you. You are an exceptional person.

To my landlord who hugged me & took the time to offer kind words-Thank you. I love you.

To the girls that called me this past week to check on me-Thank you. I love you.

To the dreamers, the young ones with eyes wide open, to the new ones in my life-Thank you. I admire you.

More thanks than fucks and my world is a shining place.

What are your thanks and fucks?

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Are You Out There?

I recently read an amazing book called Learning to Breathe by Alison Wright. Alison is a photojournalist, traveling the world in search of photos that reach through the pages and touch our souls. She has documented through her lens; pictures of war torn places, she has captured the light in the eyes of children living in poverty, the hands of those that toil daily through insurmountable hardships. She almost died on a twisting road in Lao.

I was on that very same road, traveling on a similar bus. By a twist of fate, Alison's bus was hit head on by a truck. By a twist of fate, mine wasn't. Through one moment in time of jagged metal piercing her body, her entire life was changed. And me? There was no moment of physical distress upon that road. What I remember on that road was a window open, my face pressed into the wind. Tears of loneliness and a wall reaching around me that told others to stay away, to not talk to me or even look at me.

I have been thinking a lot about life and death lately, how the choices we make today in this very moment, trace the course of our lives. How so quickly people can be taken from us or how they make the choice to leave us. And how we must honor the decisions people make in their own lives, honor them and know that in the end, at the very end of twisting roads, all that is left is love.

I think about the people around the world that I have met and wonder if their choices at this moment are the same ones I experienced while in their atmosphere. I think of government officials in the dead of the night in an airport in Indonesia, automatic rifles slung across shoulders, stopping to listen to Irish boys play ColdPlay on their guitars and my off key singing. I think about a tuk-tuk driver in Chiang Mai, Thailand delivering me safely to my guest house lamenting how he will never be able to leave the city and country he was born in. Are you out there?

Are you out there girl in the torn, dirty dress? I met you in a tiny village in India. You listened to my music through headphones, the Avett Brothers. You smiled shyly at me and touched my arm, touching skin so different than yours. I didn't know where I was or how I would be able to leave your village, yet through the terror I felt at that moment, your smile stays with me. Are you out there? Are your choices the same?

I think of the old woman in Vietnam and sobbing in her arms. She touched the back of my head, caressing my hair and communicating in the only language that we both spoke. Love. I hope you are out there, you probably don't remember me, but your kindness is a part of me now.

It's all of you that live in my heart, all of the people I have met, all of the people that I know. Their are moments when I feel as though I can't breathe, as though the heart you live in has been shattered into a million pieces and it is in those moments that I think of you. You made the choice to be kind, to be loving. In the end, perhaps those are the only choices that matter.

Are you out there? Can you feel the love I am sending you?

"Now, instead of floating away the radiance came closer, enveloping me in a warm, pulsating luminosity and unconditional love. I no longer felt alone. I felt held."-Alison Wright

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

All That Is

There is something about this place that sets my soul on fire. I'm not talking about the kind of fire that spreads manically, searing all in its path, rather I'm talking about of the smoldering kind. Slowly burning through every part of me, inch by inch erasing the past and the future. All that's left is the present moment and Man, I can tell you that the present is a beautiful place to be.

The moment I arrived here, I felt a glimmer of hope that my state of being would be changing and changing dramatically. I think change may be the wrong word, perhaps it's more of a re-awakening to a greatness that lives in me and in fact, lives in you.

I don't know why I picked this particular place, far from any sort of, shall I say, civilization. I visited once a month ago, told my best friend I was moving here on the long ride home, and, well here I am. I have never been one not to follow what my heart is telling me to do and my heart was practically yelling at me, "This! This is the place! Oh, please? Can we?" To which my head replied, "Well, I guess you've never led me astray, so yep, why not?!" It's all sort of a blur to me now. I feel like I have been moving at break neck speed, yet through quick sand the past month.

And now my feet are slowly moving out of the quick sand I was stuck in, my mind is processing all that is new and the sludge is lifting. I don't want to lose the wonder I feel right now at this place. I want to hold onto it, capturing each moment in technicolor. Yet, I know that I cannot. Perhaps, all that I have learned through my journeying is right here. That it's OK to settle in once place for an indeterminate amount of time and to not want more than what is right before me. Because you see, I have always wanted more. More adventure, more journeying, more living. I have always sought out the new eagerly replacing all that is present with a dream of what should be in the future. I want to stop doing that and right now, my want has become a reality.

I woke up this morning feeling particularly sad about something that I cannot even speak about any longer, it's just been too deadly to all that is good in my life. I wandered around my house and onto my patio just as the sun was rising. I startled two Bucks in full antler velvet in my yard. They stared at me for what seemed like minutes, gauging me, testing me. And in that moment, I felt a moment of pure grace. I realized that it was OK to be sad, to not fight it, to let it be, and to just KNOW that being sad was my present and my present is not my future or even the next moment.

I cannot say any longer how I will feel next week, or next month, or next year. But as the thunder rolls in over the mountains, bouncing around my space with booms and streaks of lighting, I feel a sense of the present. A sense that if I can only take each moment as it comes and learn to love each moment alike. The smoldering fire that has replaced anger, stress, enmity, and hate wants to love all that is around me, consume all with the kind of love that doesn't burn, but rather encompasses and comforts.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

A Fresh Start to Something Good

I have to start this by saying that the past 6 months have been quite possibly the hardest of my life, there was so much general upheaval, and I believe that for the most part, I did not deal with the changes very well. I was pretty awful to a ton of people and am going to live with that for a long time.

Let me talk for a moment, about my having to end my round the world journey. I want you to get the full picture of my emotional and mental state. To say that it was a blow to be hurt so badly, is an understatement. I was lost. All of my dreams for the future were destroyed on one nasty wave on a tiny island in Indonesia. In fact, that wave took away 20 years of dreaming, hoping, and planning. It devastated me to come back here in so many different ways. I was angry. Angry at myself for taking a wave far too big for my skill set, angry to get on that plane and come back, angry that everything had been taken from me. I felt that I had given my life away and I was never going to be able to get it back. Fast forward to right now, at this moment and my leg is twinging a bit, swollen a bit still and just generally in poor shape. Time is a bitch when you want it to speed up. She laughs at you and says "Hell no, you have to be patient, I will heal you when I'm good and ready".

In the midst of readjusting to coming back here and deciding that I would go back to Vegas (mostly because I didn't have anywhere else to go) my business partners and I launched a new company and web-site. I was trying to juggle that work, plus a few PR clients and just generally didn't care very much about the latter. It was like I had stepped back into my old life, but my old life was looking incredibly shitty. The past few months have been jam packed with an unreal amount of work, but I do love what has come out of it, I ADORE the project and have put my heart and soul into it. I briefly dabbled with traveling again, I set my sights on exploring the far corners of Africa, falling asleep at night dreaming of Nile boats and mud huts on river banks. And then I stopped. The fact is, I don't want to leave just now. I want to stay and watch the company grow. I came back here, sure that I was going to leave again and soon and in the end I realized that's not what I want.

Now, let's get to the heart of it. I'm going to just delve right in and let you guys know that I have had so much anger inside the past 6 months and I'm just now wrapping my head around it. I've never been a particularly angry person, I'm pretty even keel on that scale, but you wouldn't know it if you had just met me. It's pretty hard to wrap my head around it all and I have had to dig deep to figure out why. I become this judgmental, awful person that I have never been. I feel like I came back to the states a far worse person than I was when I left in so many ways. It was all just too much. I realize now that by constantly running and moving, I didn't have a safe place to land when I needed it. Sure, I have friends some who have been with me since I was single digits old, but still with virtually no family and new relationships just developing in my life, it's been tough. Couple that with living in a house in Vegas that was the worst possible place for me to be, having to cut people out of my life for adding to my stress,and just generally walking around being a raging bitch and I am surprised that so many have stuck around and more surprised I didn't have a complete meltdown. And I regret being this person that has a hard time accepting any help from anyone. I have realized that sometimes it's OK to be weak and man, have I been weak. Weak, and mad, and sad, and just sort of awful inside. I have cried myself to sleep more times than I thought possible lately and the hardest part is that I still don't fully know why. Yet, the tears have flowed freely.

I left Vegas yesterday. For good this time. I have settled in a tiny town in the mountains, hoping to get my soul back and find that light that used to shine so brightly in me. I want to rekindle my love affair with myself and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do that in Vegas, a truly soul-less heartless place. Right now, I am sitting in my living room, the sound of Aspens in the wind is filling up my space and the mountains are beckoning for me to come explore.

I am going to devote my time and energy into helping our company grow, into getting my leg fully healed, and into reconnecting with people that I have lost along the way. And I promise I am going to write more. To write is to live for me and I haven't been truly living this year. But I will. Tonight, I am going to raise my glass to fresh starts and those that have been with me on all of mine. Here's to life and living and loving (again)!



Lara

The Genesis of a Community Revolution

It's been forever since I have taken to this blank page and written anything. I have been so entirely focused on a new project that I co-founded, I just simply haven't had the mental energy to blog sufficiently.

Of course, I am going to tell you all about the project here, as I think you will be able to see why I am so involved.

A while back, several close friends and I were deeply affected by recent events in the world. We saw people using their own unique voices to change things in their own communities for the better. We decided that we needed to act on it, and so began our project, www.Jaspud.com. The entire site will be made up of communities of people, using their voice to make changes in their own communities. If you really think about it, we are all part of many communities in our daily lives. From a classroom, to our favorite places to shop, to various charities we believe in, to our city, states, and countries.

Our community leaders will be able to pose questions to their community members about how they can better serve them, from something as simple as "What should our happy hour special be for the next hour?" to as complex as where should the majority of our cash donations go for our charity. We will also suggest communities, so that people are made more aware of what is going on around them. Users are also completely anonymous.

That's the basic concept of our project. I will never forget the moment it all clicked for me. I was taking a shower and thinking about the people that have given their lives for their own "communities" to grow and succeed. Watching people in action, making their voice heard is amazing thing to see. While soaping my hair, all the pieces clicked into place. Everything we are about, this group of friends, and I , is part of the global responsibility we all have to make our own communities better. I feel so strongly that every single person needs to let their own voice be heard, but we need to do it ways that are effective. I hope that our new site will allow you all to do that.

Communities are open to anyone with an idea, a company, or a charity. Pretty much anything that effects your life, is part of your community. We are launching in just a few weeks and I hope you guys will take a second to set up your own communities or become a member of a community.

You can check out our Beta sign up page at www.Jaspud.com.

Follow us on Twitter @jaspudcommunity or on Facebook.com/Jaspud





Let me know what you all think!

Peace, love, and joy!

Lara

Eyes Wide Shut

There are moments in time that I revisit, getting lost in the sounds, textures, and smells of a long past experience.

Tonight, as I sit in a cozy house on a cool night, my mind drifts to other places. They seem so long ago now, the discomforts of the time reduced to vague recollections. The lessons I learned, guiding my way through the turbulence I am experiencing now. If it's true that we are what we do and have done, then I am a lot of things. Mostly good and some bad.

At this particular moment in time, I am reliving a guest-house in a remote part of Bali. It was after my surfing accident and during the time when I wasn't able to fly and stuck on the island, still in a considerable amount of pain. I was experiencing moments of clarity and moments clouded by dubious pain killers. I ventured away from the tourist areas, taking a bus to a remote part of the island, a launching off point for other islands. It was a tiny port village, hardly touched by the hawkers and touts of the other side. I went there for a change of scenery and to decide was I was going to do with my very near future.

The bus arrived in a dirt lot and we were all dump out. I found out that the area only had 4 guest houses and one internet connection. Of course, I had to stay at the place with the connection, feeble as it was. I hobbled down the dusty dirt road, stubbornly refusing rides on scooters, every step causing tears to well up. It was worth the walk. The place that I came upon, complete with an internet connection was the most charming place I had stayed at in all of my travels. Generator run and 2 stories of magic, it came complete with an open air restaurant and smiles. The jar of thick oatmeal cookies on the counter caused me an embarrassingly large amount of joy. I immediately booked a room and settled into a tiny room, separated from the others by bamboo walls. The bathroom, with a cold water shower was shared and numerous small mattress shrouded in nets lined the floor outside my room. Here, here was a place I could sink into and make a decision.

It was there, sitting at a table lite by candlelight, munching on a seafood plate, that I made the decision to come home because of my leg injury. It wasn't an easy decision. It was fear, relief, self-loathing, pride, and a little bit of joy mixed together to provide a state of mind that I am only beginning to accept.

It seems that the general mistake I made while traveling, though I tried to combat it daily, was missing the world around me and focusing instead, on my own discomfort. While I tried to fall into every moment and appreciate it for what it was, I didn't always succeed. I remember sitting at that table, the cool ocean breeze causing my candle to flicker and telling myself to forget the pain and to look around me. I did just that. And I'm glad I did. The memory of the pain I was in is long gone and what's left is the feel of the breeze on my hot skin, the smell of papaya and shrimp, the bright colors of the guest house only surpassed by the smiles of the people there, and the texture of the hard wooden chair beneath my legs.

Being back here and waiting for my leg to heal, I feel like I have fallen back into old patterns of walking with my eyes shut through life. Perhaps it's human nature to revisit places when you aren't happy where you are. I am telling myself now, while in this cozy little place I am at, yet so far from where I really want to be; soak it in, see it for what it is and ignore your own discomfort. There are lessons here to be learned if only I can see them.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Stand For Something

I have a friend who is a vegan, not only is she a vegan, but she actively promotes it as a way of life and is able to defend her reasons behind being one . She has been that way for years, and though I'm not one, I admire her for standing for something

The sad reality for me is that I see far too many people here not standing for anything but money and their own pursuits. Wrapped in a bubble of their own security often times made up of family, a house, and maybe a pet, they are cut off from the world around them. They refuse to look out unless it's through the eyes of reality TV and occasionally their Facebook feed. I find it disturbing that more people in the US seemed to care about what Charlie Sheen did this time then what is happening in their own cities, states, country, or in places like Egypt.

It upsets me that people are so very ignorant. I'm not talking about every one of you, but I am talking about a vast majority. I joined a group on Facebook supporting the protests in Egypt. At almost a million strong, it is amazing to see people from every country posting on it. People in Egypt come on the page and thank us for the virtual support. The other day, I happened to go to the page and saw a post by someone in the US military. He was in a uniform and standing in front of the flag. He commented "Not my problem what a bunch of blank blank N word people do, nor should it be." I took him to task immediately for that, it was embarrassing to me that someone representing the US would speak like that on a global forum that was entirely positive. The thing is, it's all of our problem if people in another country are not able to have the rights we in western civilizations enjoy. How can it NOT be? If you value your freedom, shouldn't you in turn, value the freedom that others have? Shouldn't you want the same things for other people? And if you don't then at least fight against people having those freedoms but in my book, being ignorant about the world around you is not acceptable.

What I'm trying to express here, is please stand for something. I don't care what it is. Just get off your asses, get out of your houses, and do something to make the world a better (or worse if you prefer) place. Try to do something bigger than you and your life and I guarantee your life will be better. And if you believe in something, then believe it enough to defend it, to educate people and to live it. That's what I care about, ignorance turned to action.

Trust me, Charlie Sheen will be ok without you glimpsing into his life.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Being Human Amongst the Beauty

Since my trip into the world has been put on hold while I take care of things here, I have spent countless hours remembering. Scouring pictures taken, hoping to recapture it, recapture the moments spent.

And my mind drifts to the same people I thought of while traveling, one person in particular. Someone that I felt around me when I needed to, while in reality, we were separated by thousands of miles, our dreams, and our hopes. When I didn't need to gather strength from my own silly daydreams, I strove to capture the beauty around me, reminding myself that it won't be there forever, that I won't be here forever and that if I shut my eyes for even a second, perhaps when I opened them, it would be gone.

At one particular point, I found myself on the Mekong River. I was on a rickety boat traveling the from Thailand into Laos. For two days, we traveled. Floating at a speed that seems impossibly slow now. I was joined by fellow wanderers and locals. A small Laotian boy sat next to me on the second day and stared at my skin for hours. He reached out his tiny little hand and poked it. I think it scared him because soon after he ran to his fathers lap.

We spent the night at a tiny village. Pulling into a makeshift dock as monks and children looked on. Our bags were thrown haphazardly in a pile and I didn't care. My things, the only possessions I owned in the world, didn't matter. How could they? I was in a village only accessible by boat in Laos. That night, I drifted off to sleep in the room rented with my friend Francine. Francine is a 75 year old American woman. She lives in a houseboat on an island in the Caribbean. That amazing woman traveled around the world, escaping hurricanes and her husband for months.

We woke the next morning and dined on a wooden patio overlooking the river, discovering soon after that the boat we came in on had been switched to one of fair lessor comfort and stability. The makeshift seats made up of old car seats were replaced with hard church-like pews and folding wooden chairs. I found myself in the back of the boat, trying to find a measure of comfort during the 9+ hour ride. I was also out of money, having neglected to exchange enough at the Laos border. Yet, the wonderful people I was traveling with did not let me go thirsty. Francine and I shared a bundle of sweet bananas and I drank Laos beer. At the time, I felt like that boat trip would never end. Now I wish that it never had.

Why is it so easy to miss the beauty around us? Focusing instead on our own inner struggles and the people that make up the fabric of those struggles. I realize now that I was so focused on things like finding an internet connection, my dwindling bank account, my aching back, the humidity that seemed to sit on me. If only I could go back and know that my various social media activities could have waited, I was in Laos of all places!

Earlier this week I drove over 4,000 miles. I tried to remember that lesson. I watched the mountains dwindle into plains, the sunset arching around the earth's circumference, the rain pounding on the tin roof, and the birds of prey circling in wait. It was pure beauty. And yet, my mind drifted to that particular person, so much closer yet still lost in dreams that are not mine. I am human after all.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara