I woke up at 3 am in a full on panic. My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe. I laid there in bed and started sobbing, full on cries to no one. Safely enclosed within covers, hiding from the cold that seeps into my place, hiding from everything, no one, and myself.
I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken. Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep. A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net. As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?" I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?
It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not. On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance. He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes. I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you? Needless to say, I left in tears. I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him. The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?" In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder, I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?" "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?" He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me. It has to be me.
What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that? Is it to be a better person? Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others? Is that a worthy purpose? One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day. But, I'm not. Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery. It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through. So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness. Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there. But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that. I will never be that person again. I become tough again. Thoughts of "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor. Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.
You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there. My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends. Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months. I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it. I blame myself for every action of others. If only I could have been kinder, could have been better, if only I was worthy. I break my own heart over and over.
I want to be brave. I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore. I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment. Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on." On every journey, there are lessons just for you. If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist. The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are? Purpose. Ain't it grand?
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken. Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep. A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net. As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?" I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?
It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not. On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance. He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes. I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you? Needless to say, I left in tears. I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him. The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?" In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder, I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?" "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?" He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me. It has to be me.
What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that? Is it to be a better person? Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others? Is that a worthy purpose? One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day. But, I'm not. Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery. It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through. So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness. Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there. But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that. I will never be that person again. I become tough again. Thoughts of "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor. Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.
You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there. My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends. Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months. I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it. I blame myself for every action of others. If only I could have been kinder, could have been better, if only I was worthy. I break my own heart over and over.
I want to be brave. I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore. I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment. Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on." On every journey, there are lessons just for you. If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist. The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are? Purpose. Ain't it grand?
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
Okay, first of all...your Dad was at a bar? And 2nd of all, it's so HIS loss that he doesn't realize who you are and what a wonderful, BRAVE, strong, courageous, talented, big hearted person you are! His response to you is only a indication of how much he dislikes HIMSELF. You know I love you, but I will say it again--I love you! And you are more than worthy.
ReplyDeleteJodi
Darling, let's big picture this beautiful lesson. You are SO courageous, wise and strong - even if there is a piece of you that feels wounded and raw. One doesn't negate the other. We all have our achilles heels (and for many of us, those equal our crazy ass parents) - and yet many of us still get to follow our hearts and travel to amazing places and own our awesomeness as often as possible. Your dad still has an effect on you - that's beyond understandable. But you don't get to then accuse yourself of being weak and messy just because you still have the heart to forgive him and get a clean slate. That is PART of your courage, beautiful one. That you can open your heart again and again to so many that don't deserve it - that's not crazy, it's brave and beautiful. Your dad's choice to remain angry is a small choice - and it's HIS problem. Not a reflection of you in any way. He's a dark and miserable person - you are not. When darkness encounters light, it often tries to overtake it - but that's not possible. He can't have your light. If he could, you would have succumbed a long, long time ago. He can share in your light, but that is a choice, and he hasn't made it yet. So keep on shining and be GOOD TO YOURSELF. You are so fucking fabulous and it's so obvious to all who see YOU, not their own nasty ass mask. I love you!
ReplyDeleteTina