All That Is

There is something about this place that sets my soul on fire. I'm not talking about the kind of fire that spreads manically, searing all in its path, rather I'm talking about of the smoldering kind. Slowly burning through every part of me, inch by inch erasing the past and the future. All that's left is the present moment and Man, I can tell you that the present is a beautiful place to be.

The moment I arrived here, I felt a glimmer of hope that my state of being would be changing and changing dramatically. I think change may be the wrong word, perhaps it's more of a re-awakening to a greatness that lives in me and in fact, lives in you.

I don't know why I picked this particular place, far from any sort of, shall I say, civilization. I visited once a month ago, told my best friend I was moving here on the long ride home, and, well here I am. I have never been one not to follow what my heart is telling me to do and my heart was practically yelling at me, "This! This is the place! Oh, please? Can we?" To which my head replied, "Well, I guess you've never led me astray, so yep, why not?!" It's all sort of a blur to me now. I feel like I have been moving at break neck speed, yet through quick sand the past month.

And now my feet are slowly moving out of the quick sand I was stuck in, my mind is processing all that is new and the sludge is lifting. I don't want to lose the wonder I feel right now at this place. I want to hold onto it, capturing each moment in technicolor. Yet, I know that I cannot. Perhaps, all that I have learned through my journeying is right here. That it's OK to settle in once place for an indeterminate amount of time and to not want more than what is right before me. Because you see, I have always wanted more. More adventure, more journeying, more living. I have always sought out the new eagerly replacing all that is present with a dream of what should be in the future. I want to stop doing that and right now, my want has become a reality.

I woke up this morning feeling particularly sad about something that I cannot even speak about any longer, it's just been too deadly to all that is good in my life. I wandered around my house and onto my patio just as the sun was rising. I startled two Bucks in full antler velvet in my yard. They stared at me for what seemed like minutes, gauging me, testing me. And in that moment, I felt a moment of pure grace. I realized that it was OK to be sad, to not fight it, to let it be, and to just KNOW that being sad was my present and my present is not my future or even the next moment.

I cannot say any longer how I will feel next week, or next month, or next year. But as the thunder rolls in over the mountains, bouncing around my space with booms and streaks of lighting, I feel a sense of the present. A sense that if I can only take each moment as it comes and learn to love each moment alike. The smoldering fire that has replaced anger, stress, enmity, and hate wants to love all that is around me, consume all with the kind of love that doesn't burn, but rather encompasses and comforts.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara