Eyes Wide Shut

There are moments in time that I revisit, getting lost in the sounds, textures, and smells of a long past experience.

Tonight, as I sit in a cozy house on a cool night, my mind drifts to other places. They seem so long ago now, the discomforts of the time reduced to vague recollections. The lessons I learned, guiding my way through the turbulence I am experiencing now. If it's true that we are what we do and have done, then I am a lot of things. Mostly good and some bad.

At this particular moment in time, I am reliving a guest-house in a remote part of Bali. It was after my surfing accident and during the time when I wasn't able to fly and stuck on the island, still in a considerable amount of pain. I was experiencing moments of clarity and moments clouded by dubious pain killers. I ventured away from the tourist areas, taking a bus to a remote part of the island, a launching off point for other islands. It was a tiny port village, hardly touched by the hawkers and touts of the other side. I went there for a change of scenery and to decide was I was going to do with my very near future.

The bus arrived in a dirt lot and we were all dump out. I found out that the area only had 4 guest houses and one internet connection. Of course, I had to stay at the place with the connection, feeble as it was. I hobbled down the dusty dirt road, stubbornly refusing rides on scooters, every step causing tears to well up. It was worth the walk. The place that I came upon, complete with an internet connection was the most charming place I had stayed at in all of my travels. Generator run and 2 stories of magic, it came complete with an open air restaurant and smiles. The jar of thick oatmeal cookies on the counter caused me an embarrassingly large amount of joy. I immediately booked a room and settled into a tiny room, separated from the others by bamboo walls. The bathroom, with a cold water shower was shared and numerous small mattress shrouded in nets lined the floor outside my room. Here, here was a place I could sink into and make a decision.

It was there, sitting at a table lite by candlelight, munching on a seafood plate, that I made the decision to come home because of my leg injury. It wasn't an easy decision. It was fear, relief, self-loathing, pride, and a little bit of joy mixed together to provide a state of mind that I am only beginning to accept.

It seems that the general mistake I made while traveling, though I tried to combat it daily, was missing the world around me and focusing instead, on my own discomfort. While I tried to fall into every moment and appreciate it for what it was, I didn't always succeed. I remember sitting at that table, the cool ocean breeze causing my candle to flicker and telling myself to forget the pain and to look around me. I did just that. And I'm glad I did. The memory of the pain I was in is long gone and what's left is the feel of the breeze on my hot skin, the smell of papaya and shrimp, the bright colors of the guest house only surpassed by the smiles of the people there, and the texture of the hard wooden chair beneath my legs.

Being back here and waiting for my leg to heal, I feel like I have fallen back into old patterns of walking with my eyes shut through life. Perhaps it's human nature to revisit places when you aren't happy where you are. I am telling myself now, while in this cozy little place I am at, yet so far from where I really want to be; soak it in, see it for what it is and ignore your own discomfort. There are lessons here to be learned if only I can see them.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara