Grief That Lives

I sit here now, after a sleepless night that I thought would never end. Gray skies covering the sun. I hate you night, I love you day. Except for today. As I watch the blue struggle through the cover, barely holding, surrounded by the captured rain that has not begun to fall, I grieve.

I grieve for those I have loved, that love encircling every part of me, my bones, my muscle. Living in the places I cannot see and ripped from me far too soon. I grieve for a lost childhood, battered and broken and barely able to crawl out of the darkness, a small child searching for a glimmer of light and love. I grieve for lost chances, for moments gone in a blink of an eye. I watch the wind blow through the leaves, weak sun light illuminating, caressing the colors into gold and I grieve the tiny parts of me, lost to that very wind, blown away and scattered.

I grieve for the truths that I know, interwoven like scar tissue. Stronger than regular tissue, hard and unmovable. This is who I am, this is who I have become and I will not forget the truths. And damn it you hurt. But my grief encompasses you. Gets lost in you. Lives in you.

And I do not know how to let go of the grief right now. It has a pulse, it breathes.

And yet,the light will break through tomorrow, after a night of darkness that I will hate. And once again, the grief will dissipate, always there, living in a place that will be ready when I need it. Because everyone once in a while, a great while, I need to sit with grief. Grief is strength, it is power. I need to let it course through me, I cannot live without it, light needs to be lost in the darkness sometimes. The light is lost right now. It will shine again.