Questions and Answers

I leave my home and life here in the states in a little over 2 weeks. It's been interesting to hear reactions from people and I find myself answering the same questions over and over and over again.

Why are you doing this?
Because I want to, because I feel like it's the right thing for me, because I have dreamed about it since I was a teenager and why not now? I want to help people and I want to see things I can't even imagine right now. I want to meet the drifters, the loners, the free spirited ones that walk among us and more than anything, I want to learn and grow as a person. I want to be a better person and I feel like the path I will be taking so very soon will help me become more of who I am supposed to be.

What are you doing with your business?
A PR company that I adore and trust implicitly will be taking over my clients for me.

When are you coming back?
I plan to be gone for 3 years minimum. But I may be gone longer. I don't really know the when right now.

Where are you going?
I am flying to Mumbai on July 21st and taking a train down the coast to do some volunteer work and surf. I am meeting my friend Jason in Portugal and the end of August and may go see my brother in Italy before that. Then, I am heading to Munich for Oktoberfest in September. After that? Who knows

What are you doing with all of your stuff?
I am selling everything I own, except for a small box of photos that will be stay here. I am carrying my whole life on my back and it will only weigh 22 pounds.


How can you give up everything you have worked for up?
What I do for work doesn't make up the essence of who I am. It's just stuff. I have never been about making a ton of money and having things, so I'm not giving up anything really and in the end I know that I will be gaining more than I could ever have here.

But I don't get it, where are you going end up and what are you going to do?
I don't know and I don't want to know right now. It will be a grand adventure of my own making and that's really all I need to know.

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Peace, love, and much happiness,

Lara

On a Rollercoaster

This is the roughest roller coaster I have ever ridden. I keep going from one extreme to another and it's really wearing on me emotionally. Part of me is so very excited about my upcoming adventure and another part of me, is absolutely devastated that I will be saying good-bye to some people that I may never see again.

Isn't that the way life goes though? People come into your life and they are there for a short time, we are all here for a short time. I feel like such an idiot right now, for spending a portion of the short time I have here, letting silly life dramas interfere with some of my relationships. I don't think very many people can really understand how this feels, it almost feels like a death of sorts and in reality it is almost exactly that. The next 29 days, I plan to spend with the people I love and the people I will miss the most. I have been so very blessed with a large circle of people that I adore and I honestly can say that they have made this chapter in my life so amazing, they made it worth every thing it took to get me here. I am also realizing that I won't miss anything material here. I will be traveling with a backpack, all my worldly possessions tucked inside, but really, the "things" I am giving up aren't important. It's always been about the people, the grace of love that falls upon you when you least expect it and gives your heart a home.

For the first time in my life, I have a foundation and though I fought it tooth and nail, I do have roots of sorts. Though I know that foundation will always be here, I won't. Right now, I can't escape the knowledge that I might never come back. I am, at times, overly dramatic about things. Someone that I love and respect immensely told me that he feels like he is going to outlive me, because I am so very reckless. And so, I am going to try to control the impulse that leads me to dangerous situations while I am traveling. But, in all honesty I really I don't think I will be able to. I don't feel truly alive unless I am facing down the impossible. I won't even begin to explore what that says about me as a person, but suffice it to say, I have been like this for as long as I can remember. So, Doyle and Pam, I promise that I will TRY to be careful, but no guarantees that I will always be careful.

On a lighter note, my plans have changed a bit. It looks like I will be in India for around 5 months because of visa restrictions. I will be at the school/orphanage in Kerala teaching English and Athletics to the kiddos and surfing my ass off. After that I may be heading south. Cambodia, Laos, Bali, Malaysia and then over to Australia to see friends. After that, who knows, but I have friends up north in Poland and my brother is in Norway, so we will see. But then again, that all could change. In all actuality, I don't know where I will be 6 months from now and that excites me, terrifies me, and gives me an immense sense of satisfaction all at the same time. I am just going to roll with it all, and remember that I am where I am suppose to be when I am there.

Tonight I am suppose to be with two people I love so very much. I hope I can say the same thing everyday for the next 29 days, because again, it's all about the people.

Peace and love,

Lara

A Whole Mess of Emotions

I have tried multiple times to sit down and write a blog post, but somehow I have found it easier to be distracted by the huge amount of activity in my life right now. It's been much easier to hang out with friends, old and new and work like crazy. I've needed the distraction to some extent because this is hard.

I am experiencing a whole mess of emotions right now and it's been tough. I leave my life here in a month and I never in a million years thought I would have so many conflicting emotions. Every time I have moved, I have been running from something and when you are running it's much easier to just go. This time, I'm not running from anything. I have a terrific life here. I have a successful business that I built from the ground up and an amazing support system of people that will always be, figuratively speaking, by my side. Add to that a profound feeling of excitement about the new adventures I am going to experience and throw in a dash of real fear and you have me at this moment. An emotional mess and trying so very hard to distract myself because it's easier that way.

I ran into a friend of mine last night that didn't know I was leaving. He told me that at the game of life, I will always win with my decision. I think I really needed to hear that. Sometimes its the people that you never expected it from that give you what you need the most.

My deadline is sneaking up on me and I wish I could stop time in those moments that will stay in my memory for a very long time. I have so much to get done before I leave as well, and for the first time in my life, find myself procrastinating like crazy. I just have to keep reminding myself that all of the things I own aren't going to magically sell themselves and all of the personal paperwork isn't going to walk itself to the copy machine at Kinkos, though I wish it would.

The truth is, I am incredibly excited about leaving, please don't misconstrue this to think I'm not. I just don't know my place in the world right now, and that my friends, is a huge change for me.

I'm going to get to doing what needs to be done.

Peace and love

My Packing List-Around the World With One Bag

One of my favorite parts of this whole odyseey I will be embarking on is coming up with a packing list of sorts. I scoured the internet for ideas and came up with my own must have items.

The first part was picking out a backpack, which will hold all of my possessions. I had a couple of internal frame packs already, but I wanted something new. Truth be told, I wanted something pretty to carry around. I picked out a blue Deuter 60 liter pack that is expandable. I love it. It's my favorite purchase of the year. I bought items that will last me a couple of years.

Here is what will go in it:

2 pairs of shorts (Columbia, quick dry) Khaki and Burgundy

2 pairs of pants (Columbia, quick dry)-I will be able to dress these up a bit. Khaki and Gray

1 dress (North Face) Convertible to a skirt-Gray

3 shirts -I still have to pick which ones I am bringing

1 Pair trail running shoes -double as hiking shoes

1 pair Rider sports sandals

1 pair sandals for dressing up

2 pairs quick dry underwear

1 swimming suit

1 bra (ughhh I hate them)

3 pairs sports socks

2 outer layers/lightweight jackets (one button up sweater and one rain/all weather jacket)

2 sets of adapters

1 travel towel

1 pillow case (to stuff clothes in and make a pillow)

1 lock for my pack

My trusty Netbook-(smaller than a hardcover book)

1 Zune music player

1 stuff sack

2 Cameras

1 small purse

1 headlamp/light

1 sports watch

Chargers for electronics

Passport holder

1 comb

1 toothbrush

1 bar shampoo (really cool invention)

I nail clippers

I also want to find a couple of small items to give the kiddos or to trade. Ideas are welcome.

What I will not be bringing-

Makeup

Hair tools

Books

My cell phone

Items they want to sell you that you don't need:

Pack back covers- (they are expensive and a rain poncho works just as well)

Travel pillows-(again expensive and my pillow case idea will work better)

Full backpack locks-(they are made out metal webbing that goes all over your pack-too heavy, cumbersome, expensive)

All of my shopping is done. It's kind of nice to stop the purging of money for right now.

I got my vaccinations shots yesterday as well. Pretty painless and I feel good knowing I wont get some weird disease. I got vaccinations for: Typhoid Fever, Yellow Fever, Meningitis, Hep A and Polio.

60 days!

Peace and love,

Lara

50 Things

With my journey into the world about to start, I have made a list of things I want to do over the next couple of years:

1. Learn how to haggle with the most harassing Indian street vendors I can find.

2. Sail from one country to another, possibly as a stow-away.

3. Visit Snowy River, Australia

4. Eat fried cockroaches and ants and not throw up.

5. Go to a village without electricity or running water and stay for at least a month.

6. Go to a wedding in India of an arranged marriage.

7. Go to a wedding somewhere in a village in an African country.

8. Have the guts to be nude on a nude beach in Rio.

9. Teach at least one child conversational English

10. Read the Koran and the Bible.

11. Go skiing in the Alps.

12. Surf in Australia

13. Teach at least one child how to surf.

14. Go trekking in Nepal.

15. Raise at least $10,000 for a good cause.

16. Work on a Sea Shepard vessel for at least 3 months.

17. Go to an outdoor music festival in Australia.

18. Go sailing in Norway.

19. Meet my pen pal, Henry Rollins, for coffee somewhere in the world.

20. Learn to find comfort when I am uncomfortable.

21. Ride a train through China.

22. Walk the Great Wall in China.

23. Visit the pyramids and try to find a quiet place amongst the tourists.

24. Sleep in an Igloo.

25. Learn to speak at least 3 different languages at least enough to get by.

26. Visit the smallest country in the world.

27. Work on a farm in New Zealand.

28. Learn how to mush a team of sled dogs.

28. Go rock climbing in Turkey.

29. Go to a World Cup match.

30. Become friends with a Sumo Wrestler and buy him dinner after a match.

31. Author a book.

32. Learn about sustainable living.

33. Work as a bartender on an Island somewhere.

34. Learn to belly dance in an Arab country.

35. Wear a Burqa so I know what it feels like to be hidden.

36. Kayak in Iceland.

37. Fly on the world's most dangerous airlines.

38. Ride a bus through El Salvador.

39. Surf in South Africa.

40. Surf in India.

41. Stay in a Hostel in Transylvania.

42. Float along the Amazon river.

43. Meet a real life Geisha.

44. Meet someone with AIDS in a developing country and hold their hand.

45. Go caving in Slovenia.

46. Drink whiskey in an Irish pub.

47. Get over my phobia of snorkeling and diving. (I have a fear of having my mouth/nose covered)

48. Volunteer after a natural disaster.

49. Make a fire by rubbing 2 sticks together.

50. Get an upgrade to first class on a flight.

I'm sure I will be adding to this list as I go. But, it gives me a really good starting point. One of my oldest friends in the world, I've known her since kindergarten, and her boyfriend have offered to give me buddy passes with a well-known airline. I cannot express how thankful I am for the offer, it will save me a considerable amount of money to be able to fly anywhere in the world for virtually no money. Thank you Tina and Sean!

Peace and love,

Lara

Desperate for Movement

“We were all delighted, we all realized we were leaving confusion and nonsense behind and performing our one and noble function of the time, move".-Jack Kerouac

I have always had an almost desperate urge for movement, both physically and mentally. Sometimes I feel like I am coming apart at the seams because of that. I get so restless, I can hardly contain it. My soul seems to thrive on discomfort, on testing myself, and on enduring all sorts of hardships to achieve the perfect combination of strength and freedom.

Freedom is the very essence of what I believe in. I imagine myself in my own version of heaven, not committed to anything but my own survival and happiness. I think that's why I have instinctively picked the wrong people to date and at times, the wrong people to become friends with. Deep rooted relationships are messy. The older I get, the more I shy away from any one person owning my actions and me owning theirs. I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to answer to anyone else but me and more importantly, I don't want to demand answers from anyone. Selfish? Absolutely. But, it's the only way I now know how to live. When I am alone, I feel the freedom I will be running towards and it courses through me. I can barely stand the wait. To me a safe, secure life is a wasted life.

It seems with my leaving the country and truly throwing myself on the mercy of the world, some people have taken it as an affront to the way they are and the way they live their lives. In reality, it has nothing to do with anyone else, no one person caused me to make the decision to leave. I would never allow someone to have that much power over me. I don't reject them, I reject their way of life.

I do have a confession however and it's a big one. It's very easy for people to make the statement, "I don't judge other people", however it's a big, fat, giant lie. I'm not going to make that statement, because I do judge people. I judge people that don't live authentic lives, I judge people that seem to only care about making money and having things. I certainly judge the people that live in cloistered little universes, never actually DOING. I don't think that my judgement is necessarily wrong or right because through my own extremely personal, hardly ever expressed out loud judgement of others, I have discovered what I don't want to become. I look at other people's lives and see them through my own, I admit, somewhat dysfunctional, clouded eyes. What do I see? I see some people working for someone else their entire lives, trying to achieve all that they can in a material way. Some like power, thrive off of it in fact. Others are so attached to their material things, that the material owns them. They spend so much energy and time worrying about losing what is truly not important in the end. I'm not putting people that are taking care of children in any of these categories by the way. I certainly look at having a family and raising complete, whole children as a poetic and amazing way to live ones life. I am rather, talking about those that are owned. To be owned by things, by a job, by anyone else, in my viewpoint is not a life worth having.

Do I buy things? Certainly. In fact, I just got a sweet ass backpack that will take me around the world and hold everything I own. Am I attached to that backpack? No. If I lost it and my things in some far off space, I would be just fine. In fact, the less I have, the happier I am. Consider this; for the first time a very long time, in just 2 short months, I will not own a single key. No car keys, no house keys, no mailbox key. Nothing. I plan to live without keys for as long as I possibly can. And I love that, I get butterflies of the excited nature in my stomach just thinking about that.

I bought my one way ticket to really nowhere today. I leave July 21st. Of course, the place is India, with a stopover in Nepal. But, my plans are and will remain, entirely fluid. I will be living for however long I choose to, on the ocean. I have a picture in my mind of meeting people that are sailing and hopping along for the ride to somewhere else or I picture myself boarding an horrid and exciting Indian train and just going. My mode of transportation isn't important, my desire to go, soak in every part of the world and to help others is what I cling to. The world is a giant place and I am throwing myself into. Remaining open to any and all possibilities and only, in the end, owning me and my soul. Please feel free to judge me. Feel free to look at me as not being capable of growing up, as running, as being entirely immature. Maybe if you judge me, you will see how you don't want to be. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me. We all choose our lives and we all answer to ourselves for the way we have chosen to live our lives. I know in my heart, that my choices are the right thing for me.

Peace and love,

Lara

Guys Vs. Girls. I Prefer Guys.

When I was 11 I organized a small protest on my elementary school grounds. I was angry. The playground aide had a habit of always giving the football and soccer balls to the boys. We girls were left to talk about how awesome Michael Jackson was or the latest issue of Teen Beat. I, even then, had no interest in that sort of thing and so I organized a sit-in with the girls. I remember very clearly telling the old man playground aide "You are a sexist, we girls want to play football too!" In the end, I got the ball, but it turns out, none of the girls wanted to play. I think that was the last time I ever felt any of the "women solidarity" that runs rampant.

I have always been a tom-boy if you will and I have, for the majority of my life, preferred the company of guys over girls. It's not a sex thing and it certainly doesn't mean that girls are poor company in any way, it's just what I prefer. I could care less about makeup, hair, or clothes so that pretty much eliminates any talks about those items with me. I am also not really big on exploring my feelings with others. If I am angry, I certainly express that or if I am sad, I have no problem telling people that, but as for going deeper and exploring the why's and the how's? No thanks. I would rather be outside doing outside things than shopping. I would much rather be drinking a beer on a patio, then putting on slutty clothes and going out.

Females can be particularly vicious to other females. Have I acted like an evil bitch to other females in the past? Most certainly. Did it make me happy? Most certainly not. I have found that females also have a tendency to completely mind other people's business instead of their own. I particularly hate this trait. I try to follow the manta of "If it doesn't concern me, if I'm not involved, I don't care and I don't want to hear about it." Again, I haven't always been able to follow that, but comparatively I've done a pretty good job with it. I cannot stand gossip. I cannot stand women sitting around talking about things that 100% do not concern them. It's often disguised as "we are worried about you" or "we want to help you". Yuck. Vomit. Call it like it is, which is being nosy and wanting some sort of drama outside of an otherwise boring and mediocre life.

I have found that some women like to tell you what you should and should not do. I have dealt with this a ton in the past and it's not only extraordinarily condescending, but it's also quite hurtful. It's made me keep things from friends because the last thing I need in my life is someone telling me what I should be doing, or worse, condemning me for what I have done. I can say that I do not do this in any way. I don't give advice unless someone specifically asks for it and even then, I am hesitant to say anything at all. It's quite possibly a trait in women to do this as nurturers and I do understand that. What I do know is that I am still alive even with all the shitty choices I have made, and that's really the only thing women need to remember. In other words "Mind your own life, and I will mind mine."

The above are all characteristics that most guys don't possess. Some do, but most in general are perfectly content to mind their own business, they want to laugh, and play and just live without all sorts of drama creeping in. I used to beat myself up because in my life, it's been incredibly tough to sustain long term relationships with females. Yet, the guys in my life, the ones that have never judged me or talked about me behind my back are still there in my life and will be there. I don't mind that so much anymore and I should note, that the females that are more like me are still there.

You won't ever find me in a circle of girls showing any real solidarity to my gender.

Works for me. I'm pretty damn happy about that actually.

Peace and love,

Lara