“We were all delighted, we all realized we were leaving confusion and nonsense behind and performing our one and noble function of the time, move".-Jack Kerouac
Freedom is the very essence of what I believe in. I imagine myself in my own version of heaven, not committed to anything but my own survival and happiness. I think that's why I have instinctively picked the wrong people to date and at times, the wrong people to become friends with. Deep rooted relationships are messy. The older I get, the more I shy away from any one person owning my actions and me owning theirs. I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to answer to anyone else but me and more importantly, I don't want to demand answers from anyone. Selfish? Absolutely. But, it's the only way I now know how to live. When I am alone, I feel the freedom I will be running towards and it courses through me. I can barely stand the wait. To me a safe, secure life is a wasted life.
It seems with my leaving the country and truly throwing myself on the mercy of the world, some people have taken it as an affront to the way they are and the way they live their lives. In reality, it has nothing to do with anyone else, no one person caused me to make the decision to leave. I would never allow someone to have that much power over me. I don't reject them, I reject their way of life.
I do have a confession however and it's a big one. It's very easy for people to make the statement, "I don't judge other people", however it's a big, fat, giant lie. I'm not going to make that statement, because I do judge people. I judge people that don't live authentic lives, I judge people that seem to only care about making money and having things. I certainly judge the people that live in cloistered little universes, never actually DOING. I don't think that my judgement is necessarily wrong or right because through my own extremely personal, hardly ever expressed out loud judgement of others, I have discovered what I don't want to become. I look at other people's lives and see them through my own, I admit, somewhat dysfunctional, clouded eyes. What do I see? I see some people working for someone else their entire lives, trying to achieve all that they can in a material way. Some like power, thrive off of it in fact. Others are so attached to their material things, that the material owns them. They spend so much energy and time worrying about losing what is truly not important in the end. I'm not putting people that are taking care of children in any of these categories by the way. I certainly look at having a family and raising complete, whole children as a poetic and amazing way to live ones life. I am rather, talking about those that are owned. To be owned by things, by a job, by anyone else, in my viewpoint is not a life worth having.
Do I buy things? Certainly. In fact, I just got a sweet ass backpack that will take me around the world and hold everything I own. Am I attached to that backpack? No. If I lost it and my things in some far off space, I would be just fine. In fact, the less I have, the happier I am. Consider this; for the first time a very long time, in just 2 short months, I will not own a single key. No car keys, no house keys, no mailbox key. Nothing. I plan to live without keys for as long as I possibly can. And I love that, I get butterflies of the excited nature in my stomach just thinking about that.
I bought my one way ticket to really nowhere today. I leave July 21st. Of course, the place is India, with a stopover in Nepal. But, my plans are and will remain, entirely fluid. I will be living for however long I choose to, on the ocean. I have a picture in my mind of meeting people that are sailing and hopping along for the ride to somewhere else or I picture myself boarding an horrid and exciting Indian train and just going. My mode of transportation isn't important, my desire to go, soak in every part of the world and to help others is what I cling to. The world is a giant place and I am throwing myself into. Remaining open to any and all possibilities and only, in the end, owning me and my soul. Please feel free to judge me. Feel free to look at me as not being capable of growing up, as running, as being entirely immature. Maybe if you judge me, you will see how you don't want to be. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me. We all choose our lives and we all answer to ourselves for the way we have chosen to live our lives. I know in my heart, that my choices are the right thing for me.
Peace and love,
Lara
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