I Break My Own Heart Over and Over

I woke up at 3 am in a full on panic.  My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe.  I laid there in bed and started sobbing, full on cries to no one.  Safely enclosed within covers, hiding from the cold that seeps into my place, hiding  from everything, no one, and myself.

I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken.  Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep.  A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net.  As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?"  I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?

It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not.  On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance.  He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes.  I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you?  Needless to say, I left in tears.   I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him.  The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up  of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?"  In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder,  I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?"  "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?"  He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me.  It has to be me.

What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that?  Is it to be a better person?  Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others?  Is that a worthy purpose?  One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day.  But, I'm not.  Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery.  It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through.  So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness.  Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there.  But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that.  I will never be that person again.  I become tough again.  Thoughts of  "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor.  Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.

You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there.  My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends.  Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months.  I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it.  I blame myself for every action of others.  If only I could have been kinder, could have been better,  if only I was worthy.   I break my own heart over and over.

I want to be brave.  I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore.  I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment.  Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on."  On every journey, there are lessons just for you.  If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist.  The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are?  Purpose. Ain't it grand?

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Time Shows You The Way

I had the opportunity to journey back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year. Last year, I spent turkey day in ST. Thomas, the year before in a different place than home of which I can't remember.

I got to reconnect with an old love of mine over Thanksgiving. Someone whom I dated 10 years ago and gradually, as those things sometimes go, lost touch with. It was amazing, catching glimpses of who we once were, the same yet different on so many levels. 10 years ago, I told him that I was going to see the world someday, that I had to leave him and my hometown to find who I am. He had to stay. While back in the only place I have ever truly called home, I got to see old friends and my baby sister, all grown up now. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in a familiar place. A place that I know like the back of my hand and with people that time has been incredibly kind to, their long ago imagined futures, blessed with a grace that only comes through the passing of the years.

Somehow, that trip has reignited my wanderlust. Perhaps it was talk of a future trip to Europe, perhaps talk of me journeying to Africa beforehand and meeting them there. Regardless, that old fire to explore is back, but with the hindsight that I have gained these past 2 years showing me the way into a future where I am grounded to something besides myself. I realize now that I have been so very tired. The thought of 3rd world countries, rickety buses, cold showers and crowded masses of humanity has only made me exhausted. Until now. When I left last year, it was all or nothing. It was supposed to be a multi-year journey, leading me to a future that I couldn't possibly imagine at the time, but that I eagerly sought. Like all of the best laid plans, life sometimes gets in the way and plans must be adjusted. I see now, that I thought by coming back to the states, my journey was over. I now realize that everything truly does happen for a reason, that my journey is far from over and that it really IS something that I couldn't have possibly imagine. It's tempered by knowledge, more knowledge than I ever thought possible about myself and my place in this world. And it's showered with grace, more grace and love than I ever thought possible.

I have been on my own for what has become the majority of my life. Sleeping mostly alone, doing whatever it takes to make a life for myself that is truly me, laughing at the people that tell me what I should do and instead choosing a life of my own making. For all the adventures I have undertaken, the lonely nights, the laughter with new friends, and the grounding of old friends always in my life, I have been missing a very important part. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors is "I too, craved adventure and even risk, and loneliness was its by-product."

I am blessed to be good at my job, to love what I do, and to be able to do it from anywhere. I am in love once again with my life and am ready and willing to change certain parts of it to truly have it all according to the terms that I choose. I am ready to not settle down, rather to jump head first into a life where I am actually grounded, yet allowed to fly away when I need to. After a years of floating, I can see landing and I like that.

*The quote above is by Carl Hoffman, whom wrote The Lunatic Express. Read it, you will love it.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

The Ghosts of Adventures Past

It's been nearly a year since I boarded a plane from Vietnam to Indonesia. Nearly a year since I had to change my entire life to accommodate an injury that still nags me with it's resistance to fully healing. I am haunted by the ghosts of who I was.

I had plans a year ago. The big plan was to do some surfing for charity in Indonesia and then travel to Fiji to volunteer at a surf camp, helping a local start a business to better his life and that of his family. Then, I became the girl making calls to my best friend, "Please please get me off this island." I became the girl that limped back and traveled around the U.S. in search of a place, any place that I could call mine. Bouncing from house to house and then from place to place in Vegas and never feeling like I was home. I re-started my PR work, founded a new business, and am working on another one. I moved to a tiny town in the mountains, settling for the first time in years, as much as I can settle. And yet I am haunted.

It seems that who I believe myself to be needs to catch up with who I am now. It comes gradually, a shift in the labels I put on myself. I know those labels, know them well. And sometimes with labels, the sticky backing sticks a little longer than it's supposed to. Peeling off gradually through many washings of the mind. I never thought I would be back here. In that place between the past and a future I can't define. Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. Perhaps it's OK to look at myself, look at all I've done, and say to myself "It's going to be OK. You don't need to have changed all that much through your adventures, you don't need to define who you will become by a past you miss so much."

As I look at the snow covered slopes of the town I call home now, I can't help but be excited for the coming season. It's been tough, moving to this town. I used to move so freely, starting over in new places, a whole world in front of me. Because of the friendly ghosts of my past, I thought this would be easier. Maybe it's not that I'm weaker, maybe it's that I am coming to realize that roots are not easy to put down and that I to be honest, I don't even know if I want them. To be anchored to one place has always been a sort of death to me and I've been trying to force it. After all, aren't anchors there to keep you safe and secure? Right now that sounds like a good thing.

And yet, as sure as I know the back of my hand, I know that I will leave again. I can't help but always leave and to be honest, I love the ghosts of my past that are defining the future for me, telling me that I am not this girl. Then again, perhaps I can become that girl. Perhaps I will always be searching for home, a place that I will come to and immediately feel like I belong. I may find that in a different city, in a different country, in the arms of one that I least expect. And I will continue to be open to all that is brought into my life. I will continue to follow my heart, even when it doesn't know what it wants.

I don't know what I want.

I am haunted by ghosts.



Lara

DO NOT follow your dreams

Hey all you people out there, who want to live freely. Let me tell you something, it's not fucking worth it. I can offer plenty of advice as someone that has lived, done a ton of things, moved around solo and adventured everyone. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

DO NOT follow your dreams, they will be crushed. DO NOT leave everyone one you know and a life that was fantastic to do something you had always dreamed of, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. DO NOT let anyone new get close to you, they will leave in the end. Trust me, I know. DO NOT wake up everyday and think that maybe tomorrow it will be better, if only you can reach some goal you have set. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.

What can you do? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you can put down roots, you can love those with you at this moment, your family and friends. You can stay in the same place as them, they will always be there when you are crushed by loneliness. You can live a life a quiet desperation; turns out its not so desperate it's just life and life with routine can be fantastic. Do live your life with no real aspirations about making the world better, about changing lives; honestly you probably will fail in the end and then you will hate yourself. You will live everyday with the knowledge that you could have saved just one person if you had only tried harder. No, it's much better to save yourself, to save maybe one person that loves you.

Trust me on all of this, I know.

Lara

Grief That Lives

I sit here now, after a sleepless night that I thought would never end. Gray skies covering the sun. I hate you night, I love you day. Except for today. As I watch the blue struggle through the cover, barely holding, surrounded by the captured rain that has not begun to fall, I grieve.

I grieve for those I have loved, that love encircling every part of me, my bones, my muscle. Living in the places I cannot see and ripped from me far too soon. I grieve for a lost childhood, battered and broken and barely able to crawl out of the darkness, a small child searching for a glimmer of light and love. I grieve for lost chances, for moments gone in a blink of an eye. I watch the wind blow through the leaves, weak sun light illuminating, caressing the colors into gold and I grieve the tiny parts of me, lost to that very wind, blown away and scattered.

I grieve for the truths that I know, interwoven like scar tissue. Stronger than regular tissue, hard and unmovable. This is who I am, this is who I have become and I will not forget the truths. And damn it you hurt. But my grief encompasses you. Gets lost in you. Lives in you.

And I do not know how to let go of the grief right now. It has a pulse, it breathes.

And yet,the light will break through tomorrow, after a night of darkness that I will hate. And once again, the grief will dissipate, always there, living in a place that will be ready when I need it. Because everyone once in a while, a great while, I need to sit with grief. Grief is strength, it is power. I need to let it course through me, I cannot live without it, light needs to be lost in the darkness sometimes. The light is lost right now. It will shine again.

The 9/11 Project-Compassion Around the World

I traveled extensively last year and found that no matter where I was or whom I was speaking to, the conversation invariably wrapped around to 9/11. I decided to interview those I was speaking with in an attempt to show the tremendous compassion we as humans have for one another. 9/11 is interwoven into the fabric of so many people's lives around the world. Over the next couple of weeks, leading up to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I will be posting stories from around the world.


We tend to forget the younger generation and how they were affected by 9/11/01. Impressionable minds watching what would seem, at first glance, to be a video game on TV. How did their innocent minds deal with the atrocities they were seeing on TV and hearing about from their parents? How did it compare to the reactions of older people? These are the questioned I asked and the answers I got renewed my faith in the younger generation. The overwhelming message is one of peace.

Name: Drew
Nationality: Australian
Age: 25
Profession: Concrete worker

I was in bed when the planes hit. In 2000, I was in New York and visited the Twin Towers. On the day 9/11, my parents woke me up at 2:30 am. They had me come downstairs to the TV room and I couldn’t believe what I was watching. It was like a bad movie. I thought it was a movie at first. It took 2-3 hours before it was even confirmed that it was a terrorist attack. I watched the whole time. I suppose it affected me quite a bit because I had just been there the year before. My parents kept me out of school for a few days. It was crazy, everything on TV revolved around that for the next couple of weeks. I was so sad. When you are watching TV and see people jump from buildings and pretty much committing suicide, it makes you think about your own life, your family and friends and makes you realize that they could be taken away from you at any point. It was definitely something that will only happen once; at least I hope this is the only time something like that ever happens.

Name: Roy
Nationality: Mentawai Islands, Indonesia
Age: 27
Profession: Professional Surfer

I watched it on the TV with my friends and family, I was still in school at the time and we stayed home for a couple of days watching it. Of course, I feel really sorry my friends. When I watched the plane it was like a movie. It was like a movie I was watching on TV. It was like when we had a Tsunami and people died. It reminded me of that and I am so sorry for the people in America. Remember, peace and love my friends, there are many many problems in the world and I mean, peace and love. Yes, peace and love is the answer.

Name: Masayero
Nationality: Japanese
Age: 26
Profession: Surf Shop Owner

I watched on BBC in my house the whole time with my family. I watched the planes crashing into the buildings. I couldn’t really believe it. There were buildings there and then they were gone. I thought it was an accident. I saw people jumping and falling on TV and I was so surprised and so sad. I cannot say anything but how sad I was to see that. I am very sad for the American people and very sorry.

Name: Emily
Nationality: American
Age: 22
Profession: Student


I was riding in the passenger side of my dad's car driving to school and we heard about the first plane hitting on the radio. My immediate thought was that it couldn’t have been real. It didn’t seem like this was an actual disaster, more of an accident. When I got to school, it was playing on all of the TVs in our classrooms, so we watched updates on the news all day. I couldn’t stop asking the questions to myself; How could someone have done such a horrible thing? Why is there so much hatred toward this country for these people to kill so many innocent people? My heart went out to all of the victims on the planes, as well as in NYC and I couldn't help but cry when thinking about what they must have been going through. I thought a lot about their families as well. Not only did if affect the country as a whole, but also made me reflect on the fact that maybe we're not all as safe as we think. I felt really scared. I didn’t exhibit much patriotism as I never have, but you can't help but feel a bit alone in the world when something like this happens. It makes you think about those you love and realize that you cant take them for granted because you never know what could happen. I remember thinking that family, friends, and relationships are really the only thing that matters. The love and closeness you feel with those around you far surpasses anything material that can be taken away in an instant. You can express your love to a person- you can't do that to a material object, so why wouldn't you try to verbalize your love to those that are close to you as often as possible. 9/11 always makes me think about a lot about the state of the world and wondering why some people have such great hatred in their hearts. It makes me sad to think of that.


Name: Daniel
Nationality: Czech
Age: 23
Profession: Student


I don´t recall exactly what I was doing before I found out, but I turned the tv on immediately - I think it was my father who called me pretty early (maybe even before the news about the second plane appeared). There was no news channel in the Czech Republic by that time, but the national tv stopped the regular program and kept airing breaking news for rest of the day. I didn´t have any convenient internet connection so the television was really my only source of information.

I think the two most significant emotions were terror and disbelief. It was so shocking to see the planes crashing into the WTC, but I was still convinced that there was no risk of collapse and that the only problem would be to deal with the fire. So when the first of the Twins fell to the ground it was a real blow. I don´t want this to sound over-sentimental but I remember tears coming to my eyes.

I kept a close look on the events that followed, especially the dramatic rescue works. There was a lot of discussions going on with my friend about terrorism and possible war (note: a war for the US would mean a war for the Czech Republic as well, the Czechs are part of NATO since 1999). The attack on democracy is being taken very seriously here, since the Communist era lasted till 1989 - and I perceived 9-11 as an attack on democracy.

I don´t think I really changed anything in my behavior after these events but one thing was still different - the way I thought about the terrorist threat. Until then, the possibility of such attack effecting directly you or people close to you seemed just so remote that I just considered it a problem of places like Middle East or locations with separatist tendencies, just not our problem. I know it´s selfish, but that´s the way it is. Since 2001, the idea of possible terrorist attacks is just present. It makes me scared for our future.


They are our future.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Heroes and Villians and Everything In Between

Heroes and Villains. Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships filled with heroes and each day we are launched into the world with the simple question: Are you going to be a hero, a villain, or both today?

In Greek Mythology, most of those we would term heroes were villains to others. It begs the question, which one are you? Is it possible to be a hero to a child and an absolute villain to your neighbor at the same time? And since every single one of us makes mistakes and has the capacity for greatness, perhaps right now, at this very moment, someone thinks you are a hero and someone else thinks you are an absolute villain.

If even the Gods of ancient mythology were flawed, and seriously, they were borderline crazy at times, then how can we mere mortals ever expect to be more than they were? The Gods were down right evil at times, their stories are rife with jealousy, anger, infidelity, arrogance, and deception. Throughout all of the stories, the bridge between the mortal man and the Gods has always been the hero. The hero is the ideal, but clearly we need to leave room for imperfections. And holy shit people, that means that YOU get to be imperfect, you get to be a villain and you get to be a hero!

Is a hero someone who's soul is chipped at daily while they toil for the betterment of humankind? Or is a hero the one that rushes into a burning building to save because it is there job? Are both heroes?

My personal heroes have always been those that shock me. The ones that stick by me, call me out on my shit, love me, and save me at the same time. See, a hero can be just that. I got over the notion of savior when I was a child. From somewhere, deep inside, past all the surface movements, I knew. I knew that there are no white nights like in the movies. And now? Now I find my white knights in the strangest forms and yes, they actually do exist and yes, they are heroes in the most unusual ways.

So, you in the closet teenage gay guy you are my hero even if you shoplift those really cool ass hugging jeans. You have the capacity for teaching people the meaning of forgiveness and being true to yourself. And hey guy that cheats on his wife and hides it but loves his children so much he would die for them, you are a hero. And teachers, the ones that hold the development of greatness in your hands but get in screaming matches with the grocery store clerk for no reason, yep you are heroes.

Here's the deal, Zeus turned himself into a swan in order to rape Leda. But, he also saved the earth at least 3 times. Now, I'm not saying it's OK to turn yourself into a swan and rape, but what I am saying is that even if you make massive mistakes, someone thinks you are a hero. Right at this moment, someone is thinking of you as a hero. And I can't think of anything more God-like than being a hero and still making mistakes.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara