My Book About Me

I was going through some of my things yesterday, things that have traveled with me through the years. They have been with me through countless moves, boyfriends, cities, jobs, and places I have experienced. One of those things was a book about me. I wrote in this little book way back in 1986. I was 10 years old, already experiencing more terror than most people experience in their life, and yet, the writings of a 10 year old me, still ring true to my life. Here are some excerpts, copied exactly how I wrote them with some 34 year old Lara comments;

The Thing I like Most About My Bedroom is...

My waterbed, because its comfortable and so nice! And I can go to sleep easily and I make it up and its looks pretty with my flowered bedspread and its wooden headboard. And its a nice place to think. I also enjoy all my posters and plants although you have to water the plants. (I guess my little bedroom was my oasis).

If I Joined the Circus, I'd Like To Be A..

Gymnast, because there are so flexible and skinny. (ummm..hello...10 years old and already having food/body image problems)

My Favorite Season Is...

Winter, I like winter because I can ski, sled, and go to school where all my friends are except for Shauna. Except I hate the work in school!

The Best Thing I Ever Got In The Mail Was...

$10 and a little wooden bear and alot of books from my aunt. NOTHING ELSE! (My aunt used to send us books all the time, and I still remember that little bear, it had my name on it.)

The Best Day In My Life So Far Was...

March 7, 1986. Because all my friends were nice to me and we did alot of things. I can't explain how fun it was! And a bossy boy was leaving that day-Kris Wasepka-so we had a party!

The Scariest Creatures I Can Think Of Are:

None are scary. (I laughed at this me, a brave little 10 year old).

My Favorite Songs Are:

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", Whats Love Got To Do With It", Material Girl, and "Eye of the Tiger" ( Oh yes! I rocked!)

My Favorite Teacher Is:

Mrs. Thompson, 5th grade, because she's so kind and nice and she understands what my class and I do wrong. (I think I mainly meant me here, I was a little trouble-maker).

I Hate Rainy Days Because:

I cannot go outside and get some fresh air, but I like to read and fool around the house when when it rains. (Notice the theme of books throughout this-still love to read)

The Strongest Person I know is:

Rocky Balboa on Rocky 1,2,3,4 (I didn't know him, duh, interesting that I didn't put any actual person, like say my dad)

The Title of My Favorite Book Is:

Too many to list! (I actually added an s to books in the title question and crossed out is and put are; I was such a reader even then!)

What is really interesting to me, is that I remember a lot of this. I blocked out the majority of the years from 4-10. I have little snippets of memories that come back to me at times, but have no clue about the day to day stuff. The snippets consist of my mom's screaming face, really just an image of her; pure rage aimed at us. Of fights with my older sister that got bloody at times and being terrified on a daily basis, Those are my childhood memories and then there are the years blocked. I don't remember a single thing from the ages of 6-9. Years of counseling has brought back nothing. Young, little minds can't take some traumas, and it is hard at times to have lost years. Bottom line though, I don't want to know, I just don't. I would much rather have My Book About Me, where on paper, I was brave, smart, and appeared to be blessedly normal.

Appearances. The shell I was hiding under even then. Appearing to be the upper-middle class daughter. Appearing to be happy and normal while a war was raging at home. Always hiding under the facade that everything was ok. I still hide at times now, but not so much anymore. I taught myself at a very young age that any sign of weakness was a certain kind of death. Never show them they hurt you, always fight back, don't ever ever rely on anyone.

I guess the little writings of a 10 year old me, show me that there were some happy times. I got to watch Rocky! I had books, which were my one escape, and I had plants.

I wonder if 25 years from now, I will look back on the 34 year old me and my writings as dribbling non-sense. I doubt it. The 10 year old me writings are not non-sense to me, but rather, a testimate to who I wanted to be, and who I am now.


*I wrote this blog a year ago and thought I would post it here.