I'm moving to India

Yes, you read that right and no, I don't mean Indiana.

I have wanted to do this since I was 17. Really get out there in the world and make a difference in people's lives. I look at my life right now at this moment and truly love it and yet....there is a fire burning deep down, there always has been. As of late, those flames have grown and started to encompass every thought I have had. I am selling everything I own, except for what I can carry on my back. I have partnered with an amazing company to make sure my clients are taken care of after I am gone. And just like that, the details have been worked out.

I guess more than anything, I have came to the realization that there is nothing I really want within the material realm. I don't want a house, I don't want a nicer car, and I certainly don't want more clothes. What I want is adventure, but more than that, I want to be thrown out of my little secure world I have created and forced to LIVE. The flip side of my pure joy and excitement about my decision is that lately I have had massive bouts of tears. It hits me when I least expect it and I am sad. Truth be told I am a complete messy mixture of both sadness and incredible joy at the opportunity I have. I'm not sad to leave behind most of my life, but for the people that have blessed me with their amazing ability to love me unconditionally. My best friend is like a sister and what is my life going to look like without her in it on a daily basis? And then there are my clients, each one a friend also. These are people that took a chance on me and I hope that I have served them well and will continue to for the next few months. I will never ever forget what I have built with them. There are so many other people that have made up the fabric of my adult life and they are the ones that saw the best in me when everyone else only saw the worst. How do you say goodbye to that? A friend told me that just because I am leaving, doesn't mean that it's over with those people. I will carry those words with me when I go and when I am alone on the other side of everything I know, I will remember that.

The details are this, I will be making my way to the state of Kerala on the coast of the Arabian Sea in India. I found an incredible school/orphanage that is taking care of my room and board and I will be volunteer teaching English to kids. I also plan to open up a surf school somewhere down the road for the kids, (and yes, to my surfer friends, I am relying on you guys to send me old boards). The school I am going to is just incredible. They take in children that have been abandoned or orphaned and some of their stories are absolutely heartbreaking. And so, away I will go. I have to believe that in the end, all will become clear to me, why I have been called to this specific place and why I am doing this in the first place.

What I do know is that I am following my heart. It has never led me astray on what I should do, even when the odds seemed insurmountable. The other thing I know about myself is that I am a survivor. Throw me into practically any environment and I will survive, I usually in fact thrive. And if I hate it in India, at the place I have chosen, then I will go somewhere else. I am opening myself up to the entire world and more than anything I know that the world will answer with a resounding "Come, you are welcome and it is amazing out here."

I'll be here for 3 more months and I want to cram as much fun and joy and as many memories as possible into that time. So please, help me with that my friends. YOU will never be forgotten.

The link to the school is here. Just $100 USD pays for one childs education for an entire year.

Peace and love,

Lara

Coachella-Oh How I Love You

There is something about multiple day music festivals that appeal to me on so many different levels. It's a combination of great music and community that makes my heart skip a beat every time I think about it. However, it's so much more than music that draws me and makes my little soul sing out loud.

Last year at Coachella, I ended up camping next to an amazing group of people. They welcomed us into their area with open arms. We all managed to stay connected this past year (social networking at its best) and made plans to meet up again this year and camp. We also adopted a couple of amazing Canadians that I found on the Coachella message board. They were flying into Vegas and needed a ride. I picked them up the night before we left and they couch surfed at my house. Another friend of mine also needed a ride, so he joined our group. There ended up being 8 cars and over 20 people camping with us this year, our own little corner in the giant world, filled with laughter and peace.

And then, it's over. Just like that. You pack up your car, considerably lighter, and go back to the "real world". It makes me sad, these people I have met and known. Each of us going in the opposite direction in a world that feels awfully big and scary at times. And it makes me reflect on myself and wonder how I can feel so connected to people that I don't really "know". They are not here, sharing each moment of pain, joy, or wonder. Maybe it's for that reason, I love them all so. Maybe its that I think that if people really know the darkest part of me, they won't love me. It's so easy to develop seemingly strong relationships in a moments time, and so easy to drift away. The connections that matter, take years to develop and nurture and yet...I am content with the other more surface ones more than I ever thought possible.

And so maybe, the answer is, to just keep on being open to all possibilities in everything. Or, maybe there really aren't any solutions to any of life's little dramas that occur when you invite other people into your life. It just is. For now, I am perfectly happy with a head full of memories and the times shared with people that I have an amazing bond with. Superficial bond yes, but who says that those bonds don't matter. They matter more than the people they encompass will ever know.

Peace and love,

Lara

Which One Are You?

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend of mine the other night. one that ultimately led me to tears. We were talking about the all consuming subject of following your dreams. He is a family guy, he has 3 kids, a beautiful wife and a great job. In his heart of hearts, all he wants to do is buy a camper, load up the family and travel, in his case, it's chasing the fish up the coast. He talked about going to Alaska, about hitting the Canadian coast, about heading down south as far as he can go. As he was telling me this, he was alive. He has told his wife that this is his dream and please, honey, can we do it? Her reaction, I can only surmise, was not pleasant. He told me that he knows in his heart of hearts that this is his path, that he doesn't need all the stuff they have accumulated and on and on. Why did this bring me to tears? Because I can say, with 90% certainty that he won't make the "move".

Nothing frustrates me more than people who accept and choose to live in their own personal mediocrity. Forever chasing some twisted version of how they think they are supposed to live their lives. See, the thing about life, is that it passes way to quickly for all of us. I, at times, have been stuck in the quiet desperation of mediocrity, wanting to be somewhere else, to be someone else.

I hear it all the time "that's not reality" or "but, I have commitments, I have bills, I have blah blah blah". Really? Are outside things more important than your heart? Are they more important than doing what you truly want to do with this life we have all been given? It makes me sad.

And it makes me a tad judgmental of them, which I know is wrong wrong wrong. I've divided people into several categories when contemplating life. Which again, is pigeon-holing people and who am I to do that? I'm not anyone really, all I have is the knowledge that I have made a shit ton of mistakes in my own quest in the great movement of life and maybe, I can learn something more from all of this.

The first category I put people into are the "Fakers." The ones that constantly talk about doing "The Move", but never actually do. They are the ones that will go buy a new car, because hey, they NEED it, but we all know they get stuck and that is where they really want to be. They don't actually do anything to fulfill the dreams bouncing around in their heads. They just talk talk talk. I don't care for this group, lacking the passion and commitment for any real change. I mean, why don't they just say, "Hey, I will be here in this place for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that."

The next category of people are, what's known as the "Weekend Warriors". These people I am slightly envious of in a weird way. They are perfectly content to work and live their everyday lives during the week and then blow it up on the weekends. This category, I believe, is rare. However, it is the biggest category people like to put themselves in. They are the ones that truly are perfectly happy with the lives that they have created. Happy to have roots and happy to have a family and stuff. Again, this category is rare, though, practically everyone says they are in it.

Next we have the "Giver Uppers". These are the people that choose to ignore any light at the end of the tunnel. They are the ones that will tell you any number of excuses for their current situation and they are almost always negative. It goes something like this "I used to have hope and dreams, but I'm not rich enough, smart enough, this person was/is mean to me, I have commitments and I'm stuck" and on and on. I don't care to associate with these people. They are the ones that refuse to grasp any sort of opportunity, living wholly in a "woe is me space". Yuck. Who wants to be like that? Who wants to be around that? Not this girl.

Then we have the "Almost There" category, which my friend falls into. They know they have to make a change, and trust me, in one way or another it will happen. However, by the time it does happen, they are often stuck in a move they truly didn't want. I really like this category. They are the ones that need a nudge. They are destined for greatness, if only they can look for it and have the courage to say "This is MY life, not yours."

Lastly, we have the true"Movers". I see them in my line of work everyday. They go after what they want and disregard outside pressures to not do "it". They are the ones that basically tell family and friends to accept them or get out. I like this category and strive to be in it. They are the ones that ignore fear, ignore outside influences and just do. They are the committed of the world. In history, they have been the explorers, the adventurers, the world changers. They are the Edmund Hillarys, the Helen Blums, the Doyle Brunsons, the Magellans, and the Therouxs.

It may be simplistic to categorize people in such terms, and perhaps, I am wrong in doing so. What I do know, is that a life of quiet desperation is no life at all. What are you willing to do to chase the "Move". You don't need money, it's not about that. I know a guy who traveled the coast of Mexico in search of waves with a $500 car, a tent, his dog, and $300 in the bank. He was doing what he had to do to stay alive mentally and spiritually. It's not about what you have in the "move", its about strength of character, commitment, and the knowledge that only you can make your life. No one else can or should be responsible for you. Not your parents, family, friends, or bosses. Should you up and leave your husband or wife, your job, your house, your mediocre life to make the "move"? Well, if you are already considering it, then it will happen eventually, so why not NOW? There is truly nothing to fear if you are being authentic to yourself. That authenticity will get you through the lonely times, it will feed you and clothe you. Within it lives the knowledge that your fear has been discarded and your dreams are right at your fingertips, changing and growing with you along the sometimes potholed but gloriously winding road of life. The time is now people. Go for it.

Peace and love,

Lara

*I know I may have missed a couple of categories, so post one if I have.

The Sweet Spot

Sometimes, I feel as though my whole life is spent in pursuit of the sweet spot. You know what I'm talking about right? Those moments in time, where for a brief second you are you no longer. You become more than what and who you are. The thing about the sweet spot, is that it can only be reached through mindless doing. It's the place where fear cannot reside, fear kills the sweet spot. It's the place where the outside world fades away to nothing, receding into the background of all that threatens to steal that moment in time from you.

My sweet spots come have been coming infrequently at best these days. They are there though, I can see them on the horizon of my doing, and they taunt me with offers of moments of grace in time. I usually find them when I am outside. Rock climbing, surfing, skiing, or hiking. Occasionally, they reach out and grab me when I am writing and I fade to nothing concrete. Indeed, the quest is selfish. However, I use the term selfish in a positive way. Being selfish, at times, is a good thing.

And sometimes, in those moments in time, where all is forgotten and you are simply doing, your light shines bright enough to light up the whole world. The downside, of course, is that constantly searching for it can be a very lonely place to reside within permanently. Their is a truth about me that I know, it may change, but right now it is my reality. It is simply this, nothing and no one every really sticks to me. I drift. 5 years from now, I think I will be doing the same things, maybe moved onto a different place and a different career, a new boyfriend to be caught up in, a new landscape of life. Nothing sticks. I don't know why I can't fix that part of me that is constantly searching, refusing to put down roots. I don't know if I should even be fixing it. The biggest part of me loves that I am so free-spirited, loves that I have the strength to move on and out, but I broke down last night, realizing that the flip side is that it is a lonely place to be, a lonely place to live. I am all about living for the moment right now and I truly like that about myself. It seems as though I decided way back when I was a kid, not to let myself ever get stuck. And I haven't, but lonely it can be. For me, getting stuck kills the very nature sweet spot. Words like "secure" "stable" and "roots" are in no way part of my own personal sweet spot. So, I think that I will continue on my quest. Perhaps one day, I'll see you down the road, and catch a glimpse of you in your own little sweet spot. Alone, yet shining nonetheless.

Peace and love,

Lara

My Book About Me

I was going through some of my things yesterday, things that have traveled with me through the years. They have been with me through countless moves, boyfriends, cities, jobs, and places I have experienced. One of those things was a book about me. I wrote in this little book way back in 1986. I was 10 years old, already experiencing more terror than most people experience in their life, and yet, the writings of a 10 year old me, still ring true to my life. Here are some excerpts, copied exactly how I wrote them with some 34 year old Lara comments;

The Thing I like Most About My Bedroom is...

My waterbed, because its comfortable and so nice! And I can go to sleep easily and I make it up and its looks pretty with my flowered bedspread and its wooden headboard. And its a nice place to think. I also enjoy all my posters and plants although you have to water the plants. (I guess my little bedroom was my oasis).

If I Joined the Circus, I'd Like To Be A..

Gymnast, because there are so flexible and skinny. (ummm..hello...10 years old and already having food/body image problems)

My Favorite Season Is...

Winter, I like winter because I can ski, sled, and go to school where all my friends are except for Shauna. Except I hate the work in school!

The Best Thing I Ever Got In The Mail Was...

$10 and a little wooden bear and alot of books from my aunt. NOTHING ELSE! (My aunt used to send us books all the time, and I still remember that little bear, it had my name on it.)

The Best Day In My Life So Far Was...

March 7, 1986. Because all my friends were nice to me and we did alot of things. I can't explain how fun it was! And a bossy boy was leaving that day-Kris Wasepka-so we had a party!

The Scariest Creatures I Can Think Of Are:

None are scary. (I laughed at this me, a brave little 10 year old).

My Favorite Songs Are:

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", Whats Love Got To Do With It", Material Girl, and "Eye of the Tiger" ( Oh yes! I rocked!)

My Favorite Teacher Is:

Mrs. Thompson, 5th grade, because she's so kind and nice and she understands what my class and I do wrong. (I think I mainly meant me here, I was a little trouble-maker).

I Hate Rainy Days Because:

I cannot go outside and get some fresh air, but I like to read and fool around the house when when it rains. (Notice the theme of books throughout this-still love to read)

The Strongest Person I know is:

Rocky Balboa on Rocky 1,2,3,4 (I didn't know him, duh, interesting that I didn't put any actual person, like say my dad)

The Title of My Favorite Book Is:

Too many to list! (I actually added an s to books in the title question and crossed out is and put are; I was such a reader even then!)

What is really interesting to me, is that I remember a lot of this. I blocked out the majority of the years from 4-10. I have little snippets of memories that come back to me at times, but have no clue about the day to day stuff. The snippets consist of my mom's screaming face, really just an image of her; pure rage aimed at us. Of fights with my older sister that got bloody at times and being terrified on a daily basis, Those are my childhood memories and then there are the years blocked. I don't remember a single thing from the ages of 6-9. Years of counseling has brought back nothing. Young, little minds can't take some traumas, and it is hard at times to have lost years. Bottom line though, I don't want to know, I just don't. I would much rather have My Book About Me, where on paper, I was brave, smart, and appeared to be blessedly normal.

Appearances. The shell I was hiding under even then. Appearing to be the upper-middle class daughter. Appearing to be happy and normal while a war was raging at home. Always hiding under the facade that everything was ok. I still hide at times now, but not so much anymore. I taught myself at a very young age that any sign of weakness was a certain kind of death. Never show them they hurt you, always fight back, don't ever ever rely on anyone.

I guess the little writings of a 10 year old me, show me that there were some happy times. I got to watch Rocky! I had books, which were my one escape, and I had plants.

I wonder if 25 years from now, I will look back on the 34 year old me and my writings as dribbling non-sense. I doubt it. The 10 year old me writings are not non-sense to me, but rather, a testimate to who I wanted to be, and who I am now.


*I wrote this blog a year ago and thought I would post it here.