(Originally posted anuary 27, 2010)
The scattered pictures of my life creep into my mind occasionally. I don’t mind those moments so much anymore. All the mistakes and triumphs of my life are a collage of snap shots, organized in neat rows, staying put where they belong. In the past. I have never been one to dwell on the past much. I have always been content in the knowledge that somewhere deep inside me, lessons learned will live and that I will instinctively know not to make the same mistakes.
One of the biggest mistakes I have made, is trying to fit into the mold society thrusts upon us all from infancy. I tried for so very long to fit my hopes and dreams into a prison I call security. I nearly destroyed my life and others at one point, trying oh so hard to conform, to meld it all together into the picture perfect life so many people seek. I didn’t have any sort of epiphany, I didn’t wake up one day and realize “That’s not who I am”. It was a long road, stumbling over potholes of boredom and mediocrity, that got me to this point.
Perhaps the fists of my childhood, the hateful words thrown at someone so small, are still a huge part of who I am today. Not in a “I blame you” sort of way, more in a “Hah, you didn’t/couldn’t beat me”. The bruises faded and the words became a compass pointing me towards someone I truly wasn’t and then, I gradually changed course, one of my own making.
My compass will never point towards the outside world to fulfill me. I’ve never been particularly materialistic, I just don’t care about those things people are taught to reach for. I fight against putting down roots in the typical sense, but I realize now that I do have roots. The roots of my personal tree are scattered across the country, remaining strong in the lives of people I have met, people that have touched me in someway, people that love me for who I really am. Often times I get advice from people. It goes something like this. ”Are you ever going to settle down? You are going to end up old and alone. You can’t keep seeking the new your entire life”. To those people, I say “Why not?” If this is the only life I have, then I choose to take it. I choose to live the life I want to, the life buried deep inside all of us. I asked myself what I really wanted and the answers were right there all along, just waiting for me to have the courage to accept them, to have the fortitude to act. The only security I cling to, is the knowledge that no matter what choices I make, I am strong enough to not only act on them, but to live them. No matter what happens to me physically, I will always know that I can get through anything. In the end, we have only ourselves to live with, no one can save us, no one can decide what is right or wrong for us. It’s all about courage, and courage is something we all need a little more of.
Find your own personal courage. It is the only true destination worth seeking and your compass has been pointing to it all along. It’s out there just waiting for you to grab it, love it, live it.
“…a profound insistence on authenticity, a way of believing in an identity our culture does not reward, asking understanding of values and disciplines that don’t answer our sense of what one does with a life…”-Daniel Duane
Lara
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