I was married long, long ago. It seems like a different life now, who I was at 20 is completely and wholly different from who I am now. The day I got married, I knew that it wouldn’t last. I hold that image in my mind, those words spoken by that little voice in my head “This will not last more than 5 years.” And yet, I drifted down the aisle, my white Doc Martens peeking out beneath my dress. The ceremony is a blur to me. He leaned in to kiss me and I instinctively pulled away. A long lost VHS tape from 1997 captured it all, but the reel still runs in my mind. I am embarrassed for us now, thinking of that kiss. In my immaturity, I thought that getting married was just what you did.
I left him 3 days after 9/11/01. I wept watching thousands of people die and the thought that some of them had died, not truly happy, not living up to what they could be, forced me to act. I had fantasized about leaving him for over a year, but couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him, vowing at that moment never to hurt someone to that extent ever again. I moved out 9/14/01 car loaded with what I could fit and left the rest to him. Our divorce was final 6 months from the day I left him. I choose to sign everything over to him, keeping my car and clothes and little else. The day after our divorce was final I packed up my things and moved to Atlanta. I had never been there, but applied to be transfered with my job in a couple of different cities and Atlanta called first. Driving away, in those first moments, I felt an incredibly sense of freedom and fell in love with that feeling, but choose to bury it once again.
The notion of having some sort of security in my life through a committed relationship continued to follow me. I entered into a wholly dysfunctional relationship soon after settling into my new life. We broke up and got back together to many times to count. It was a seemingly endless cycle, a battle of wills. And yet, I loved him with every part of me. At the time, the parts of me capable of being in a relationship were fragmented. A push and a pull, fighting to control him and myself. Of course, all things harmful eventually must come to an end and the ending nearly destroyed me. I moved once again to get away from it. ”It” was leading me to the darkest places imaginable and I had the foresight to know that. Summoning whatever courage I had, knowing that when I left I would be leaving the only person I had ever truly loved, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. People say that you can’t run from your problems, but I disagree, sometimes all you can do is run and hope to find a healthier place.
That relationship continued to color all others for years. I learned through counseling that you can’t project actions of others onto the future. I am in a much healthier place now, but sometimes think I have swung too far the other way. I feel like commitment is more often than not, a dirty word. I now love myself more than anyone else could and hold onto that like a life raft at times. I love men. I love sex. I do not however, love any sort of commitment that tethers my dreams safely to the ground. These days, I prefer to spend time with my friends, you never know when life will happen and those moments won’t be able to be replayed. I don’t like to date, I don’t care for the rituals our society puts upon us. I am a horrible flirt and I have pretty much zero game. I refuse to present a different, subdued portrait of who I am to men I meet.
When I was a kid, I would play hide and seek with the neighborhood boys. I would purposely make a lot of noise just to be found. Sometimes I still make noise, just in case someone is looking for me and hasn’t found me yet, but I don’t worry about it so much. Until I am found, I am content in the knowledge that I will not settle for less than what I am worth, less than what I deserve. Cuddling up to the fact that my life will be taking some twists and turns in the future that I will willingly travel and knowing that even if I travel them alone, I am being true to who I am. Finally, security is living inside of me, not in the arms of another.
Peace and much love~
Lara
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