With every passing of the old and bringing in of the new, my mind naturally drifts to rebirth. This year I get stuck. I have been traveling the US since I got back, searching for something that seems be getting further and further away.
I spent Christmas in New Orleans surrounded by strangers in a hostel. There was the crazy gay Scotsman that will be a lifelong friend, the two amazing Aussie girls, the hippie, wandering, motorcycle riding Swede, the adorable engineer from New Hampshire and an assortment of other characters that made up the fabric of my holiday. It was the best Christmas I have ever had. I felt at home for the first time in a long time and in the back of my thoughts, I think that there must be something wrong with me.
When asked where I live, I don't have an answer except that I am homeless but not indigent. I just can't seem to get excited about living someplace, living anywhere really. I am afraid of the settling down factor and I realize that it's not normal. I know that I am extremely blessed, being able to work from anywhere, all I need is an internet connection. A part of me wants my own bed to come home to, and a louder part of me wants to keep exploring. I am so very afraid of the very security that I yearn for at times and so I fight it with all I have. But then it changes once again and I picture a place with books and plants, a bed, a couch for friends to crash on, maybe I could even have a real grown-up relationship with a guy.
My only solution is to pick up my car tomorrow and hit the road. I plan to take back roads, completely skipping interstates and see where they take me. I'm hoping to chance upon a tiny town somewhere that screams at me to stay. If that fails, I will end up in Maine, as far North as I can go. A lobster town on the coast appeals to me a bit. Not the scream from the mountains excitement I am used to feeling, but still, it's something. In the meantime I am going to explore the fabric that makes up the US; tiny coastal towns, farming communities with one diner and a feed-store, the back-roads and bar lights, and the interesting stories that people will tell.
2010 was the best year I have ever had. Despite my still injured leg and all the trials I went through, I wouldn't change a single moment. I said last year, on the new day of the new year that I didn't want to not know where I would be exactly a year later and I am right there. I think my resolution will stay the same for this year, having that one option at the end of the year, to not really know where I am going is a good resolution to have and keep for me.
Thank you for reading my blog over the past year. I wish you all the happiest, most prosperous year possible. Keep dreaming, exploring, hoping, and knowing that you are all amazing.
Peace, love, and joy!
Lara
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Not Fitting In
I crossed the street yesterday and forgot to look both ways. No, nothing happened. I didn't get even close to being in danger. I just simply forgot that rule.
Since I have been back in the US, I have been in a daze. I almost feel as though I boarded my plane bound for America and with each mile that passed, my mind became more and more clouded. I left a world that was so vibrate and so alive and came back to one that I'm not quite used to yet. Yesterday, I crossed that street and went into a Target to buy shampoo. I stood in front of the choices for several minutes and finally picked one. It all seemed so silly to me. It seems to me that too many choices only makes for a society that is hell bent on having even more choices. America is truly a land of consumers, always NEEDING the newest and the best thing and it just feels so empty to me. I in my own way, used to be a part of that.
Do you want to know the truly sad part? As I crossed that busy street, I felt a certain amount of shame. To not have a car and not be driving myself to the store made me feel ashamed. I spent months walking everywhere I could and can't remember once feeling like I wanted to drive. I would tell the myriads of cab and motorbike drivers in whatever city I was in that no, I didn't need a ride, I have 2 feet that suit me just fine. Perhaps it is me that is at fault here and memories of a past life lived are creeping in, or perhaps it's not just me that feels like I don't fit in if I don't have "stuff". I'm not really sure.
I'm also having a hard time getting used to the endless complaining about everything under the sun. Really? So the TSA wants to scan you? Well for Christs sake you MUST spend your precious time rallying against them. Now, don't get me wrong, I will always rally for equal rights for all in the USA and I will always join the fight for freedom of speech. But some of the things people get so worked up about here at home just seem so damn silly to me. I used to be one of you. It took actually leaving to get a broader picture of what is really important in life.
I really don't know where I am going to fit in here. I think I have a pretty good picture of how I want things to go, but its the getting there that is going to be the tough part. I am a firm believer in reinventing myself every moment, everyday, and every year, and I do know what I don't want. It's the getting there that is always the tough part. But maybe with each tiny shift in thinking, a sense of purpose will be regained.
Before I get any comments like "If you hate it here, why don't you leave?" I would like to point out how tiresome comments like that have become. If you yourself have absolutely no complaints about the USA, our government, and the way we are so absolutely consumed with things here, then perhaps you need to leave. Change has
never come to a person, a neighborhood, a city, or an entire country, with
complacency and complete happiness with the status quo.
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
Since I have been back in the US, I have been in a daze. I almost feel as though I boarded my plane bound for America and with each mile that passed, my mind became more and more clouded. I left a world that was so vibrate and so alive and came back to one that I'm not quite used to yet. Yesterday, I crossed that street and went into a Target to buy shampoo. I stood in front of the choices for several minutes and finally picked one. It all seemed so silly to me. It seems to me that too many choices only makes for a society that is hell bent on having even more choices. America is truly a land of consumers, always NEEDING the newest and the best thing and it just feels so empty to me. I in my own way, used to be a part of that.
Do you want to know the truly sad part? As I crossed that busy street, I felt a certain amount of shame. To not have a car and not be driving myself to the store made me feel ashamed. I spent months walking everywhere I could and can't remember once feeling like I wanted to drive. I would tell the myriads of cab and motorbike drivers in whatever city I was in that no, I didn't need a ride, I have 2 feet that suit me just fine. Perhaps it is me that is at fault here and memories of a past life lived are creeping in, or perhaps it's not just me that feels like I don't fit in if I don't have "stuff". I'm not really sure.
I'm also having a hard time getting used to the endless complaining about everything under the sun. Really? So the TSA wants to scan you? Well for Christs sake you MUST spend your precious time rallying against them. Now, don't get me wrong, I will always rally for equal rights for all in the USA and I will always join the fight for freedom of speech. But some of the things people get so worked up about here at home just seem so damn silly to me. I used to be one of you. It took actually leaving to get a broader picture of what is really important in life.
I really don't know where I am going to fit in here. I think I have a pretty good picture of how I want things to go, but its the getting there that is going to be the tough part. I am a firm believer in reinventing myself every moment, everyday, and every year, and I do know what I don't want. It's the getting there that is always the tough part. But maybe with each tiny shift in thinking, a sense of purpose will be regained.
Before I get any comments like "If you hate it here, why don't you leave?" I would like to point out how tiresome comments like that have become. If you yourself have absolutely no complaints about the USA, our government, and the way we are so absolutely consumed with things here, then perhaps you need to leave. Change has
never come to a person, a neighborhood, a city, or an entire country, with
complacency and complete happiness with the status quo.
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Lost
As of late, I haven't been doing anything except bouncing here and there, tracing a route across the US and trying to figure out a new place in the world for myself.
I miss so much about Asia. I miss the masses of chaotic beings working together, I miss the curious stares children gave me in isolated regions, people touching my hair and my skin on bus rides, and the way the days melded one into the other. I miss Indonesia especially. A place that inspires with the people, the land and the seascapes. The spirituality seems to hang in the air there, just waiting to be soaked up. I came home, never thinking for a moment that I would feel more lost in my country of origin then I ever was while traveling to foreign places.
I came home quieter somehow, perfectly content with doing nothing except healing my body. I have been spent the past month surrounded by my loves and family and yet I have felt a bit like a stranger. It just all seems so sterile, so isolated, so futile and I don't yet know how to deal with my those new feelings.
I have decided to find a quiet corner of this vast country of ours and settle in for a bit. I plan to surround myself with books and plants and work tasks and somehow figure out what dreams I want to dream now. See, traveling the world was my dream for as long as I can remember and now that I have done it, I don't know what my new dreams are. Without dreaming I am lost.
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
I miss so much about Asia. I miss the masses of chaotic beings working together, I miss the curious stares children gave me in isolated regions, people touching my hair and my skin on bus rides, and the way the days melded one into the other. I miss Indonesia especially. A place that inspires with the people, the land and the seascapes. The spirituality seems to hang in the air there, just waiting to be soaked up. I came home, never thinking for a moment that I would feel more lost in my country of origin then I ever was while traveling to foreign places.
I came home quieter somehow, perfectly content with doing nothing except healing my body. I have been spent the past month surrounded by my loves and family and yet I have felt a bit like a stranger. It just all seems so sterile, so isolated, so futile and I don't yet know how to deal with my those new feelings.
I have decided to find a quiet corner of this vast country of ours and settle in for a bit. I plan to surround myself with books and plants and work tasks and somehow figure out what dreams I want to dream now. See, traveling the world was my dream for as long as I can remember and now that I have done it, I don't know what my new dreams are. Without dreaming I am lost.
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
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