How Did I End Up Here?!?

The last time I wrote a blog post, I was in Telluride, Colorado doing some soul searching.  The kind of searching where I search deep.  Who am I?  Whom do I want to become?  Where do I want to go now?  Those questions always follow me, chasing the mediocrity of daily life by there very presence.

After a whirl wind month spent in Las Vegas, working on a job for a PR client, I boarded a flight to Guatemala City.  I had randomly booked my ticket in February from my bestie Beau’s Las Vegas couch.  I told him that I didn’t really know why I was going there but that it seemed right.  Less than a month later, I was dropped at the airport for my red-eye flight with no plans and no agenda. 

Before I left, one of my dear friends connected me to one of her friends living in Guatemala City.  Aaron is a California born ex-pat living out his dreams in Latin America.  Upon my arrival in Guatemala City, I phoned him and met his girlfriend Corina and him. From the very first meeting, I knew that they were part of  my tribe.  Kindreds if you will.  Both trying to make a difference in the world in some very profound ways.   One thing led to another and suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself in a tiny seaside village called Monterrico, the Pacific Ocean right outside my doorsteps. 

I was offered the use of a gorgeous villa complete with a pool and the use of a 4 wheeler in exchange for volunteer teaching English within the local community.   This community has been largely ignored by the Guatemalan government.  There are no NGO’s working here.  There is very little tourism.  This has been  been the biggest challenge I have undertaken, being here and teaching English.  I crash course learned online the basics of teaching through various  sites and just like that, I have students, both private at the house and daily at the school.  In between teaching, I work on my various companies. 

This is my dream.  To affect an entire community in a small way.  I drive the 4-wheeler along the beach every day to the village, kids yelling “Hello Lara!  I am good” as I pass them.  My students at the school are genuinely excited when I walk into the classroom every day.  They are a treasure.  With no textbooks, no electricity in the school, and very little teaching materials available, they are eager to learn.  I wake up daily moved to tears by where I have landed, by the generosity of others, by committing myself to something bigger than myself

The classroom

That’s the thing about life, when you are presented with opportunities, you must take them.  You never end up where you are not supposed to be.  I have learned to listen to the voice inside me that tells me that there is nothing to fear.  That I can do anything I want and do it well.  That there are limitless possibilities out there, just waiting for me and we to grab hold of and do.  I don’t know what I did to deserve this.  I don’t know how long I will be here, but I am happy where I am today and right now.  I am helping people and doing it with no expectations, and I am still being productive with my work back in the states.

 It really is all possible for me and I am not going to waste a minute of this wonderful life that I have created.  I am delving deep into the solitude, working on the why of why I do some of the horrible things I do, recognizing the reasons for all of the amazing things I do and living each moment within the knowledge that we are all universally bound. I am not perfect, I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life and I continue to make them.  Perhaps through living my life in part with service to others, I can atone for them, perhaps not.  But that's the thing about life, you can only do the very best you know how.  And I will. 

I am happy, I am ecstatic, I am blessed, I am complete.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Please Don't Say These Things To Me

Well, I've done it again.   I've massively and hugely failed at yet another relationship. This time I took a long hard look at myself.  And then I looked again and yet again. Man, was that  eye-opening.

The fact is, I sort of bought into the well meaning phrases sent my way all the time and got very confused.  I have been confused for years, and am only now waking up and I take full responsibility for the buying in and the confusion.  However,  here are my least liked phrases people send single, 30's something, restless me and the reasons why I don't care for them.  Look,  I know your heart may be in the right place, but please stop.

 "You're just not ready to settle down"-OK, here's the deal.  I don't want to settle down.  Who says that should be my end goal?  Who decided for me that staying in one place was the way to go?  Now, I admit I have completely bought into that simple phrase.  Spending time this past year wishing for roots, wishing for something that I can't exactly define.  I bought into it because at a very deep level, we are all told that it's the way to live and to be. I love my light bulb moment last week when I said to myself  "Fuck that. I truly don't want that." I have never really lived my life according to anyone elses standards but mine and every time I have tried, I have gone a little cray-cray.  I don't walk around looking at settle downed people who complain about it and say "You're just not ready to not be settled down."  So please, give me the same respect and stop saying the opposite.

"You just haven't met the right person"- Really?  I actually have.  I've met and dated several "right" men.  But, at the core or it, I am not willing to compromise in anyway to have a "successful" relationship.  The ways I would have to compromise are pretty big.  And honestly, why should I have to give up my wandering, moving, traveling, exploring and general restlessness for a guy. I don't want a house, I don't want stuff, and I damn well am not going to pay for some dude to have those things.  That's not to say that I haven't and don't love a few of the ones I have been with, they were all the "right" ones. It's just saying that there is no way I will give up the basic core of who I am for a man.  I sure as hell don't compromise what and who I am for my friends, why would I ever do that for a man?

"I hope you find happiness"-This absolutely drives me crazy.  First of all, you don't "find" or "pursue" or "seek" happiness.  Happiness finds you  in those brief moments pure joy.  Happiness is a deep knowledge that you will never ever give up, that you can survive anything.  Happiness is love, love for yourself and those you call friends and for most of you, family.   And here's the thing with your "happiness" phrase, NO ONE is always happy.  Not even you.  Just because I choose to express unhappiness at times more than some, doesn't mean that the core of me is unhappy.

"You're going to end up alone with 87 cats"-Sorry to tell you this, but we ALL end up alone at the very end.  If you're saying that along my journey I will be alone, well, that's just not true.  I have so many people that love me and that I give that love right back to in this world.  How could I ever end up alone?  I like cats too.  So, if you're saying that to "scare" me into getting into a relationship just for the security of hoping that I won't end up alone, it's not working.  I won't do it.


So, where did my thought process end up through all of this.  Well, I realized that I need to 100%  stop making commitments to guys on a whim because I NEVER follow through with them.  I realized that I have hurt some really wonderful guys with false commitments and I won't do that again.  I realized that I have been trying to compromise who I am for years in the some weird hope that I could find someone, when at the heart of it, I don't want that.  The thing is, I  am making this choice now and truly accepting all of the consequences that come along with it.  Sure, it gets lonely at times.  OK, got it, been there, I accept that.  Sure, sometimes you look at your friends and say "I wish I could find that".  That's when I will slap myself lightly on the cheek and say "No, you don't, knock it off".  So please you guys, I love you all and I know you're just trying to help, but please stop.

As far as my future, realizing all of this is like a massive rainbow lighting it up.  My purpose is shining clearer than ever.  Stay tuned, it's going to be a glorious solo ride with happiness, sadness, joy, and togetherness joining me.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

I Am

Constantly changing
A million thoughts running
Making huge life decisions on a whim and then changing my mind on a whim because I can
Someone that can hurt people and sometimes I do it on purpose
Love
Adventure running through my blood, rising from inside, exploding out
Restless
Rootless
Creative
Fearless when I want to be
Mean when I need to be
Seeking and never finding and choosing that
Responsible for myself and no one else
A wanderer
Friends
Out of control
In complete control
Cut from my own stone
A believer
Blunt
Heart exposed
Funny
Taking myself too seriously and then I don't take myself  too seriously
Black and white and constantly learning shades of grey
Loyal
Hidden within a shell

I am all things and I am nothing and I choose that.

Who are you?