Hey all you people out there, who want to live freely. Let me tell you something, it's not fucking worth it. I can offer plenty of advice as someone that has lived, done a ton of things, moved around solo and adventured everyone. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
DO NOT follow your dreams, they will be crushed. DO NOT leave everyone one you know and a life that was fantastic to do something you had always dreamed of, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. DO NOT let anyone new get close to you, they will leave in the end. Trust me, I know. DO NOT wake up everyday and think that maybe tomorrow it will be better, if only you can reach some goal you have set. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.
What can you do? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you can put down roots, you can love those with you at this moment, your family and friends. You can stay in the same place as them, they will always be there when you are crushed by loneliness. You can live a life a quiet desperation; turns out its not so desperate it's just life and life with routine can be fantastic. Do live your life with no real aspirations about making the world better, about changing lives; honestly you probably will fail in the end and then you will hate yourself. You will live everyday with the knowledge that you could have saved just one person if you had only tried harder. No, it's much better to save yourself, to save maybe one person that loves you.
Trust me on all of this, I know.
Lara
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Grief That Lives
I sit here now, after a sleepless night that I thought would never end. Gray skies covering the sun. I hate you night, I love you day. Except for today. As I watch the blue struggle through the cover, barely holding, surrounded by the captured rain that has not begun to fall, I grieve.
I grieve for those I have loved, that love encircling every part of me, my bones, my muscle. Living in the places I cannot see and ripped from me far too soon. I grieve for a lost childhood, battered and broken and barely able to crawl out of the darkness, a small child searching for a glimmer of light and love. I grieve for lost chances, for moments gone in a blink of an eye. I watch the wind blow through the leaves, weak sun light illuminating, caressing the colors into gold and I grieve the tiny parts of me, lost to that very wind, blown away and scattered.
I grieve for the truths that I know, interwoven like scar tissue. Stronger than regular tissue, hard and unmovable. This is who I am, this is who I have become and I will not forget the truths. And damn it you hurt. But my grief encompasses you. Gets lost in you. Lives in you.
And I do not know how to let go of the grief right now. It has a pulse, it breathes.
And yet,the light will break through tomorrow, after a night of darkness that I will hate. And once again, the grief will dissipate, always there, living in a place that will be ready when I need it. Because everyone once in a while, a great while, I need to sit with grief. Grief is strength, it is power. I need to let it course through me, I cannot live without it, light needs to be lost in the darkness sometimes. The light is lost right now. It will shine again.
I grieve for those I have loved, that love encircling every part of me, my bones, my muscle. Living in the places I cannot see and ripped from me far too soon. I grieve for a lost childhood, battered and broken and barely able to crawl out of the darkness, a small child searching for a glimmer of light and love. I grieve for lost chances, for moments gone in a blink of an eye. I watch the wind blow through the leaves, weak sun light illuminating, caressing the colors into gold and I grieve the tiny parts of me, lost to that very wind, blown away and scattered.
I grieve for the truths that I know, interwoven like scar tissue. Stronger than regular tissue, hard and unmovable. This is who I am, this is who I have become and I will not forget the truths. And damn it you hurt. But my grief encompasses you. Gets lost in you. Lives in you.
And I do not know how to let go of the grief right now. It has a pulse, it breathes.
And yet,the light will break through tomorrow, after a night of darkness that I will hate. And once again, the grief will dissipate, always there, living in a place that will be ready when I need it. Because everyone once in a while, a great while, I need to sit with grief. Grief is strength, it is power. I need to let it course through me, I cannot live without it, light needs to be lost in the darkness sometimes. The light is lost right now. It will shine again.
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