On a Rollercoaster

This is the roughest roller coaster I have ever ridden. I keep going from one extreme to another and it's really wearing on me emotionally. Part of me is so very excited about my upcoming adventure and another part of me, is absolutely devastated that I will be saying good-bye to some people that I may never see again.

Isn't that the way life goes though? People come into your life and they are there for a short time, we are all here for a short time. I feel like such an idiot right now, for spending a portion of the short time I have here, letting silly life dramas interfere with some of my relationships. I don't think very many people can really understand how this feels, it almost feels like a death of sorts and in reality it is almost exactly that. The next 29 days, I plan to spend with the people I love and the people I will miss the most. I have been so very blessed with a large circle of people that I adore and I honestly can say that they have made this chapter in my life so amazing, they made it worth every thing it took to get me here. I am also realizing that I won't miss anything material here. I will be traveling with a backpack, all my worldly possessions tucked inside, but really, the "things" I am giving up aren't important. It's always been about the people, the grace of love that falls upon you when you least expect it and gives your heart a home.

For the first time in my life, I have a foundation and though I fought it tooth and nail, I do have roots of sorts. Though I know that foundation will always be here, I won't. Right now, I can't escape the knowledge that I might never come back. I am, at times, overly dramatic about things. Someone that I love and respect immensely told me that he feels like he is going to outlive me, because I am so very reckless. And so, I am going to try to control the impulse that leads me to dangerous situations while I am traveling. But, in all honesty I really I don't think I will be able to. I don't feel truly alive unless I am facing down the impossible. I won't even begin to explore what that says about me as a person, but suffice it to say, I have been like this for as long as I can remember. So, Doyle and Pam, I promise that I will TRY to be careful, but no guarantees that I will always be careful.

On a lighter note, my plans have changed a bit. It looks like I will be in India for around 5 months because of visa restrictions. I will be at the school/orphanage in Kerala teaching English and Athletics to the kiddos and surfing my ass off. After that I may be heading south. Cambodia, Laos, Bali, Malaysia and then over to Australia to see friends. After that, who knows, but I have friends up north in Poland and my brother is in Norway, so we will see. But then again, that all could change. In all actuality, I don't know where I will be 6 months from now and that excites me, terrifies me, and gives me an immense sense of satisfaction all at the same time. I am just going to roll with it all, and remember that I am where I am suppose to be when I am there.

Tonight I am suppose to be with two people I love so very much. I hope I can say the same thing everyday for the next 29 days, because again, it's all about the people.

Peace and love,

Lara

A Whole Mess of Emotions

I have tried multiple times to sit down and write a blog post, but somehow I have found it easier to be distracted by the huge amount of activity in my life right now. It's been much easier to hang out with friends, old and new and work like crazy. I've needed the distraction to some extent because this is hard.

I am experiencing a whole mess of emotions right now and it's been tough. I leave my life here in a month and I never in a million years thought I would have so many conflicting emotions. Every time I have moved, I have been running from something and when you are running it's much easier to just go. This time, I'm not running from anything. I have a terrific life here. I have a successful business that I built from the ground up and an amazing support system of people that will always be, figuratively speaking, by my side. Add to that a profound feeling of excitement about the new adventures I am going to experience and throw in a dash of real fear and you have me at this moment. An emotional mess and trying so very hard to distract myself because it's easier that way.

I ran into a friend of mine last night that didn't know I was leaving. He told me that at the game of life, I will always win with my decision. I think I really needed to hear that. Sometimes its the people that you never expected it from that give you what you need the most.

My deadline is sneaking up on me and I wish I could stop time in those moments that will stay in my memory for a very long time. I have so much to get done before I leave as well, and for the first time in my life, find myself procrastinating like crazy. I just have to keep reminding myself that all of the things I own aren't going to magically sell themselves and all of the personal paperwork isn't going to walk itself to the copy machine at Kinkos, though I wish it would.

The truth is, I am incredibly excited about leaving, please don't misconstrue this to think I'm not. I just don't know my place in the world right now, and that my friends, is a huge change for me.

I'm going to get to doing what needs to be done.

Peace and love