I woke up at 3 am in a full on panic. My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe. I laid there in bed and started sobbing, full on cries to no one. Safely enclosed within covers, hiding from the cold that seeps into my place, hiding from everything, no one, and myself.
I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken. Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep. A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net. As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?" I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?
It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not. On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance. He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes. I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you? Needless to say, I left in tears. I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him. The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?" In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder, I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?" "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?" He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me. It has to be me.
What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that? Is it to be a better person? Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others? Is that a worthy purpose? One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day. But, I'm not. Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery. It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through. So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness. Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there. But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that. I will never be that person again. I become tough again. Thoughts of "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor. Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.
You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there. My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends. Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months. I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it. I blame myself for every action of others. If only I could have been kinder, could have been better, if only I was worthy. I break my own heart over and over.
I want to be brave. I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore. I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment. Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on." On every journey, there are lessons just for you. If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist. The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are? Purpose. Ain't it grand?
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken. Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep. A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net. As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?" I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?
It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not. On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance. He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes. I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you? Needless to say, I left in tears. I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him. The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?" In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder, I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?" "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?" He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me. It has to be me.
What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that? Is it to be a better person? Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others? Is that a worthy purpose? One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day. But, I'm not. Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery. It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through. So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness. Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there. But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that. I will never be that person again. I become tough again. Thoughts of "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor. Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.
You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there. My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends. Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months. I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it. I blame myself for every action of others. If only I could have been kinder, could have been better, if only I was worthy. I break my own heart over and over.
I want to be brave. I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore. I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment. Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on." On every journey, there are lessons just for you. If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist. The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are? Purpose. Ain't it grand?
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
