How Did I End Up Here?!?

The last time I wrote a blog post, I was in Telluride, Colorado doing some soul searching.  The kind of searching where I search deep.  Who am I?  Whom do I want to become?  Where do I want to go now?  Those questions always follow me, chasing the mediocrity of daily life by there very presence.

After a whirl wind month spent in Las Vegas, working on a job for a PR client, I boarded a flight to Guatemala City.  I had randomly booked my ticket in February from my bestie Beau’s Las Vegas couch.  I told him that I didn’t really know why I was going there but that it seemed right.  Less than a month later, I was dropped at the airport for my red-eye flight with no plans and no agenda. 

Before I left, one of my dear friends connected me to one of her friends living in Guatemala City.  Aaron is a California born ex-pat living out his dreams in Latin America.  Upon my arrival in Guatemala City, I phoned him and met his girlfriend Corina and him. From the very first meeting, I knew that they were part of  my tribe.  Kindreds if you will.  Both trying to make a difference in the world in some very profound ways.   One thing led to another and suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself in a tiny seaside village called Monterrico, the Pacific Ocean right outside my doorsteps. 

I was offered the use of a gorgeous villa complete with a pool and the use of a 4 wheeler in exchange for volunteer teaching English within the local community.   This community has been largely ignored by the Guatemalan government.  There are no NGO’s working here.  There is very little tourism.  This has been  been the biggest challenge I have undertaken, being here and teaching English.  I crash course learned online the basics of teaching through various  sites and just like that, I have students, both private at the house and daily at the school.  In between teaching, I work on my various companies. 

This is my dream.  To affect an entire community in a small way.  I drive the 4-wheeler along the beach every day to the village, kids yelling “Hello Lara!  I am good” as I pass them.  My students at the school are genuinely excited when I walk into the classroom every day.  They are a treasure.  With no textbooks, no electricity in the school, and very little teaching materials available, they are eager to learn.  I wake up daily moved to tears by where I have landed, by the generosity of others, by committing myself to something bigger than myself

The classroom

That’s the thing about life, when you are presented with opportunities, you must take them.  You never end up where you are not supposed to be.  I have learned to listen to the voice inside me that tells me that there is nothing to fear.  That I can do anything I want and do it well.  That there are limitless possibilities out there, just waiting for me and we to grab hold of and do.  I don’t know what I did to deserve this.  I don’t know how long I will be here, but I am happy where I am today and right now.  I am helping people and doing it with no expectations, and I am still being productive with my work back in the states.

 It really is all possible for me and I am not going to waste a minute of this wonderful life that I have created.  I am delving deep into the solitude, working on the why of why I do some of the horrible things I do, recognizing the reasons for all of the amazing things I do and living each moment within the knowledge that we are all universally bound. I am not perfect, I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life and I continue to make them.  Perhaps through living my life in part with service to others, I can atone for them, perhaps not.  But that's the thing about life, you can only do the very best you know how.  And I will. 

I am happy, I am ecstatic, I am blessed, I am complete.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Please Don't Say These Things To Me

Well, I've done it again.   I've massively and hugely failed at yet another relationship. This time I took a long hard look at myself.  And then I looked again and yet again. Man, was that  eye-opening.

The fact is, I sort of bought into the well meaning phrases sent my way all the time and got very confused.  I have been confused for years, and am only now waking up and I take full responsibility for the buying in and the confusion.  However,  here are my least liked phrases people send single, 30's something, restless me and the reasons why I don't care for them.  Look,  I know your heart may be in the right place, but please stop.

 "You're just not ready to settle down"-OK, here's the deal.  I don't want to settle down.  Who says that should be my end goal?  Who decided for me that staying in one place was the way to go?  Now, I admit I have completely bought into that simple phrase.  Spending time this past year wishing for roots, wishing for something that I can't exactly define.  I bought into it because at a very deep level, we are all told that it's the way to live and to be. I love my light bulb moment last week when I said to myself  "Fuck that. I truly don't want that." I have never really lived my life according to anyone elses standards but mine and every time I have tried, I have gone a little cray-cray.  I don't walk around looking at settle downed people who complain about it and say "You're just not ready to not be settled down."  So please, give me the same respect and stop saying the opposite.

"You just haven't met the right person"- Really?  I actually have.  I've met and dated several "right" men.  But, at the core or it, I am not willing to compromise in anyway to have a "successful" relationship.  The ways I would have to compromise are pretty big.  And honestly, why should I have to give up my wandering, moving, traveling, exploring and general restlessness for a guy. I don't want a house, I don't want stuff, and I damn well am not going to pay for some dude to have those things.  That's not to say that I haven't and don't love a few of the ones I have been with, they were all the "right" ones. It's just saying that there is no way I will give up the basic core of who I am for a man.  I sure as hell don't compromise what and who I am for my friends, why would I ever do that for a man?

"I hope you find happiness"-This absolutely drives me crazy.  First of all, you don't "find" or "pursue" or "seek" happiness.  Happiness finds you  in those brief moments pure joy.  Happiness is a deep knowledge that you will never ever give up, that you can survive anything.  Happiness is love, love for yourself and those you call friends and for most of you, family.   And here's the thing with your "happiness" phrase, NO ONE is always happy.  Not even you.  Just because I choose to express unhappiness at times more than some, doesn't mean that the core of me is unhappy.

"You're going to end up alone with 87 cats"-Sorry to tell you this, but we ALL end up alone at the very end.  If you're saying that along my journey I will be alone, well, that's just not true.  I have so many people that love me and that I give that love right back to in this world.  How could I ever end up alone?  I like cats too.  So, if you're saying that to "scare" me into getting into a relationship just for the security of hoping that I won't end up alone, it's not working.  I won't do it.


So, where did my thought process end up through all of this.  Well, I realized that I need to 100%  stop making commitments to guys on a whim because I NEVER follow through with them.  I realized that I have hurt some really wonderful guys with false commitments and I won't do that again.  I realized that I have been trying to compromise who I am for years in the some weird hope that I could find someone, when at the heart of it, I don't want that.  The thing is, I  am making this choice now and truly accepting all of the consequences that come along with it.  Sure, it gets lonely at times.  OK, got it, been there, I accept that.  Sure, sometimes you look at your friends and say "I wish I could find that".  That's when I will slap myself lightly on the cheek and say "No, you don't, knock it off".  So please you guys, I love you all and I know you're just trying to help, but please stop.

As far as my future, realizing all of this is like a massive rainbow lighting it up.  My purpose is shining clearer than ever.  Stay tuned, it's going to be a glorious solo ride with happiness, sadness, joy, and togetherness joining me.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

I Am

Constantly changing
A million thoughts running
Making huge life decisions on a whim and then changing my mind on a whim because I can
Someone that can hurt people and sometimes I do it on purpose
Love
Adventure running through my blood, rising from inside, exploding out
Restless
Rootless
Creative
Fearless when I want to be
Mean when I need to be
Seeking and never finding and choosing that
Responsible for myself and no one else
A wanderer
Friends
Out of control
In complete control
Cut from my own stone
A believer
Blunt
Heart exposed
Funny
Taking myself too seriously and then I don't take myself  too seriously
Black and white and constantly learning shades of grey
Loyal
Hidden within a shell

I am all things and I am nothing and I choose that.

Who are you?

I Break My Own Heart Over and Over

I woke up at 3 am in a full on panic.  My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe.  I laid there in bed and started sobbing, full on cries to no one.  Safely enclosed within covers, hiding from the cold that seeps into my place, hiding  from everything, no one, and myself.

I don't know what caused me to suddenly awaken.  Perhaps it was the words that I read as I was drifting off to sleep.  A story about extraordinary courage, about living life according to ones own standards, about throwing yourself into the world with no safety net.  As I lay there in the worst time of the day, the middle of the night, thoughts of my own life passed through me and I thought "What's the purpose of all of this?"  I am so used to doing exactly what I want to do and to not depending upon anyone else but myself but man, what is the fucking purpose to that?

It's so easy for me to emotionally detach from everyone and everything in my life that doesn't suit my purposes, until it's not.  On my recent trip home to my hometown, I saw my father purely by happenstance.  He was across the bar boring holes into my eyes.  I approached cautiously with a hello, how are you?  Needless to say, I left in tears.   I haven't seen him in at least 5 years, haven't had any contact with him.  The hate in his eyes for me couldn't have been stronger, the quick wrap-up up  of my last few years met with disdain and questioning "how did YOU have the money to pay for a journey to other countries?"  In my beer induced sobs, crying on Ryan's shoulder,  I could only ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he be proud of me?"  "Why doesn't he like me, even a little bit?"  He's not a bad person, he is loved through and through, so it's me.  It has to be me.

What if any, is the lesson I can learn from that?  Is it to be a better person?  Try and try again to be more loving, to be kinder, to be more compassionate to others?  Is that a worthy purpose?  One of my dear friends told me how brave I am the other day.  But, I'm not.  Any sort of toughness, any sort of restlessness and deep seated urge to explore solo is not really bravery.  It would be so much braver to let go of any outside shell that people are not able to break through.  So much braver to love a child more than anything, even though you may lose them someday, to love with everything you have, unconditionally and without a second thought of your own happiness.  Sometimes I feel with everything that I am that I am there.  But, I have a history of losing myself in others, and I am ashamed of that.  I will never be that person again.  I become tough again.  Thoughts of  "I don't need you, I don't need anyone" become my anchor.  Doubts creep in about my own worthiness, my own ability and instead of facing those doubts, I retreat.

You see, if I remain alone, the doubts aren't there.  My purpose shines loud and clear, echos off empty rooms and in conversations with friends.  Truthfully, I have experienced a ton of emotionally charged, heartbreaking stuff in the past few months.  I don't ever give myself a chance to recover, can't seem to admit that my heart broke many times over and I bury it.  I blame myself for every action of others.  If only I could have been kinder, could have been better,  if only I was worthy.   I break my own heart over and over.

I want to be brave.  I want to be strong, to be loving, to know that someday I will find that I don't want to nor can I hide anymore.  I want to continue on this road to vulnerability and I don't know how to get there today, right at this moment.  Words my father spoke to me long ago, as a child are there "You have to grow up someday and you have to just keep on keeping on."  On every journey, there are lessons just for you.  If you were not there, if you had not found them, they would not exist.  The key is, are you ready to see them for what they are?  Purpose. Ain't it grand?

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

Time Shows You The Way

I had the opportunity to journey back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year. Last year, I spent turkey day in ST. Thomas, the year before in a different place than home of which I can't remember.

I got to reconnect with an old love of mine over Thanksgiving. Someone whom I dated 10 years ago and gradually, as those things sometimes go, lost touch with. It was amazing, catching glimpses of who we once were, the same yet different on so many levels. 10 years ago, I told him that I was going to see the world someday, that I had to leave him and my hometown to find who I am. He had to stay. While back in the only place I have ever truly called home, I got to see old friends and my baby sister, all grown up now. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in a familiar place. A place that I know like the back of my hand and with people that time has been incredibly kind to, their long ago imagined futures, blessed with a grace that only comes through the passing of the years.

Somehow, that trip has reignited my wanderlust. Perhaps it was talk of a future trip to Europe, perhaps talk of me journeying to Africa beforehand and meeting them there. Regardless, that old fire to explore is back, but with the hindsight that I have gained these past 2 years showing me the way into a future where I am grounded to something besides myself. I realize now that I have been so very tired. The thought of 3rd world countries, rickety buses, cold showers and crowded masses of humanity has only made me exhausted. Until now. When I left last year, it was all or nothing. It was supposed to be a multi-year journey, leading me to a future that I couldn't possibly imagine at the time, but that I eagerly sought. Like all of the best laid plans, life sometimes gets in the way and plans must be adjusted. I see now, that I thought by coming back to the states, my journey was over. I now realize that everything truly does happen for a reason, that my journey is far from over and that it really IS something that I couldn't have possibly imagine. It's tempered by knowledge, more knowledge than I ever thought possible about myself and my place in this world. And it's showered with grace, more grace and love than I ever thought possible.

I have been on my own for what has become the majority of my life. Sleeping mostly alone, doing whatever it takes to make a life for myself that is truly me, laughing at the people that tell me what I should do and instead choosing a life of my own making. For all the adventures I have undertaken, the lonely nights, the laughter with new friends, and the grounding of old friends always in my life, I have been missing a very important part. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors is "I too, craved adventure and even risk, and loneliness was its by-product."

I am blessed to be good at my job, to love what I do, and to be able to do it from anywhere. I am in love once again with my life and am ready and willing to change certain parts of it to truly have it all according to the terms that I choose. I am ready to not settle down, rather to jump head first into a life where I am actually grounded, yet allowed to fly away when I need to. After a years of floating, I can see landing and I like that.

*The quote above is by Carl Hoffman, whom wrote The Lunatic Express. Read it, you will love it.

Peace, love, and joy

Lara

The Ghosts of Adventures Past

It's been nearly a year since I boarded a plane from Vietnam to Indonesia. Nearly a year since I had to change my entire life to accommodate an injury that still nags me with it's resistance to fully healing. I am haunted by the ghosts of who I was.

I had plans a year ago. The big plan was to do some surfing for charity in Indonesia and then travel to Fiji to volunteer at a surf camp, helping a local start a business to better his life and that of his family. Then, I became the girl making calls to my best friend, "Please please get me off this island." I became the girl that limped back and traveled around the U.S. in search of a place, any place that I could call mine. Bouncing from house to house and then from place to place in Vegas and never feeling like I was home. I re-started my PR work, founded a new business, and am working on another one. I moved to a tiny town in the mountains, settling for the first time in years, as much as I can settle. And yet I am haunted.

It seems that who I believe myself to be needs to catch up with who I am now. It comes gradually, a shift in the labels I put on myself. I know those labels, know them well. And sometimes with labels, the sticky backing sticks a little longer than it's supposed to. Peeling off gradually through many washings of the mind. I never thought I would be back here. In that place between the past and a future I can't define. Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. Perhaps it's OK to look at myself, look at all I've done, and say to myself "It's going to be OK. You don't need to have changed all that much through your adventures, you don't need to define who you will become by a past you miss so much."

As I look at the snow covered slopes of the town I call home now, I can't help but be excited for the coming season. It's been tough, moving to this town. I used to move so freely, starting over in new places, a whole world in front of me. Because of the friendly ghosts of my past, I thought this would be easier. Maybe it's not that I'm weaker, maybe it's that I am coming to realize that roots are not easy to put down and that I to be honest, I don't even know if I want them. To be anchored to one place has always been a sort of death to me and I've been trying to force it. After all, aren't anchors there to keep you safe and secure? Right now that sounds like a good thing.

And yet, as sure as I know the back of my hand, I know that I will leave again. I can't help but always leave and to be honest, I love the ghosts of my past that are defining the future for me, telling me that I am not this girl. Then again, perhaps I can become that girl. Perhaps I will always be searching for home, a place that I will come to and immediately feel like I belong. I may find that in a different city, in a different country, in the arms of one that I least expect. And I will continue to be open to all that is brought into my life. I will continue to follow my heart, even when it doesn't know what it wants.

I don't know what I want.

I am haunted by ghosts.



Lara

DO NOT follow your dreams

Hey all you people out there, who want to live freely. Let me tell you something, it's not fucking worth it. I can offer plenty of advice as someone that has lived, done a ton of things, moved around solo and adventured everyone. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

DO NOT follow your dreams, they will be crushed. DO NOT leave everyone one you know and a life that was fantastic to do something you had always dreamed of, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. DO NOT let anyone new get close to you, they will leave in the end. Trust me, I know. DO NOT wake up everyday and think that maybe tomorrow it will be better, if only you can reach some goal you have set. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.

What can you do? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you can put down roots, you can love those with you at this moment, your family and friends. You can stay in the same place as them, they will always be there when you are crushed by loneliness. You can live a life a quiet desperation; turns out its not so desperate it's just life and life with routine can be fantastic. Do live your life with no real aspirations about making the world better, about changing lives; honestly you probably will fail in the end and then you will hate yourself. You will live everyday with the knowledge that you could have saved just one person if you had only tried harder. No, it's much better to save yourself, to save maybe one person that loves you.

Trust me on all of this, I know.

Lara