I had the opportunity to journey back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year. Last year, I spent turkey day in ST. Thomas, the year before in a different place than home of which I can't remember.
I got to reconnect with an old love of mine over Thanksgiving. Someone whom I dated 10 years ago and gradually, as those things sometimes go, lost touch with. It was amazing, catching glimpses of who we once were, the same yet different on so many levels. 10 years ago, I told him that I was going to see the world someday, that I had to leave him and my hometown to find who I am. He had to stay. While back in the only place I have ever truly called home, I got to see old friends and my baby sister, all grown up now. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in a familiar place. A place that I know like the back of my hand and with people that time has been incredibly kind to, their long ago imagined futures, blessed with a grace that only comes through the passing of the years.
Somehow, that trip has reignited my wanderlust. Perhaps it was talk of a future trip to Europe, perhaps talk of me journeying to Africa beforehand and meeting them there. Regardless, that old fire to explore is back, but with the hindsight that I have gained these past 2 years showing me the way into a future where I am grounded to something besides myself. I realize now that I have been so very tired. The thought of 3rd world countries, rickety buses, cold showers and crowded masses of humanity has only made me exhausted. Until now. When I left last year, it was all or nothing. It was supposed to be a multi-year journey, leading me to a future that I couldn't possibly imagine at the time, but that I eagerly sought. Like all of the best laid plans, life sometimes gets in the way and plans must be adjusted. I see now, that I thought by coming back to the states, my journey was over. I now realize that everything truly does happen for a reason, that my journey is far from over and that it really IS something that I couldn't have possibly imagine. It's tempered by knowledge, more knowledge than I ever thought possible about myself and my place in this world. And it's showered with grace, more grace and love than I ever thought possible.
I have been on my own for what has become the majority of my life. Sleeping mostly alone, doing whatever it takes to make a life for myself that is truly me, laughing at the people that tell me what I should do and instead choosing a life of my own making. For all the adventures I have undertaken, the lonely nights, the laughter with new friends, and the grounding of old friends always in my life, I have been missing a very important part. One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors is "I too, craved adventure and even risk, and loneliness was its by-product."
I am blessed to be good at my job, to love what I do, and to be able to do it from anywhere. I am in love once again with my life and am ready and willing to change certain parts of it to truly have it all according to the terms that I choose. I am ready to not settle down, rather to jump head first into a life where I am actually grounded, yet allowed to fly away when I need to. After a years of floating, I can see landing and I like that.
*The quote above is by Carl Hoffman, whom wrote The Lunatic Express. Read it, you will love it.
Peace, love, and joy
Lara
